Product Description

1 This is the first book to explain the dynamics of adoption reunion within a grief framework.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #915877 in Books
• Published on: 2004-04
• Released on: 2006-02-10
• Binding: Paperback
• 250 pages

From the Publisher
Evelyn Robinson has followed up the international success of her first book "Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief", by writing and publishing, in 2004, a companion volume called "Adoption and Recovery - Solving the mystery of reunion". This unique book, based on Evelyn's personal and professional experiences, is essential reading, both for those who have read and appreciated her first book and for those who want to understand the long term impact of adoption separation on people's lives and the meaning of the reunion experience.

From the Author
After publishing "Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief", I was contacted by many who had read and been deeply affected by it. I subsequently travelled both within Australia and in New Zealand, the United States, Canada, England, the Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Northern Ireland, presenting seminars and meeting those who had a personal experience of adoption, as well as therapists working in post-adoption counselling. I became aware, from all of those interactions, that many were struggling to understand what drove those who had been separated from family members by adoption to seek them out later in life and by the issues which arose when reunions occurred. I have written this book in the hope of supporting and enlightening those people. "Adoption and Recovery – Solving the mystery of reunion" is the first book to explain the dynamics of the reunion experience within a grief framework.

From the Inside Flap
This book is dedicated to my five children. Each one of them has taught me different lessons and brought different gifts into my life.

A Tear and a Smile

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part, turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; a smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.

Kahlil Gibran

Customer Reviews

Adoption and Recovery review by mary
The first half of the book was mainly about grief in adoption, and how to cope. The second half was a question and answer from various people. I really liked the second half the best. Until the author says all adoptions should stop because of the grief involved. She means no adoptions ever. Well of course I was totally throwed by that view. The author doesn't say what to with children if they don't get adopted. What a nut case I thought. I threw the book in the trash. The author is a birthmom, and I think because of her pain she had in her adoption plan, she thinks its best if all adoptions stop. I wouldn't pay much for this book. Better yet e-mail me and I'll dig my copy out of the trash and give it away. from mary

Key Resources for mothers and adoptees
Adoption and Recovery: Solving the mystery of reunion
Evelyn Burns Robinson

This qualitative study arises out of the author's interactions with a variety of natural parents, persons adopted and others in her homeland and on her travels. It includes a statement by her son about what adoption meant to him and how adoption and reunion have affected his life. He describes his surprise and disappointment that his mother had tried to contact him two years before their reunion, and that his adoptive parents had warned her never to contact him again. There's a message in this for all adoptive parents.

Robinson explains disenfranchised grief, which is covered in more detail in her earlier book, Adoption and Loss. "In one sense, every adoption is a tragedy, as it means that a child has been separated from his or her parents and families." This chapter goes on to explore how disenfranchised grief affects mothers and families. Her description of stages of mourning is helpful in seeing the course of mourning in the loss of our children, especially for those of us who only begin to mourn openly at reunion. These stages are
Ø Numbness (where many mothers are held in denial until reunion)
Ø Yearning (where we become angry and wish the adoption had never happened)
Ø Disorganization and despair (where it is difficult to function)
Ø Reorganized behaviour (where we begin to regain equilibrium)
I found that I could map the years of my reunion into this pattern quite easily. It was helpful to me to see that there WAS a pattern to my feelings and behaviour over time.

Robinson makes the point that the reunion itself does not create the grief or the sometimes overwhelming feelings experienced by those involved in reunions. We are often contacted by strangers and deal with this as a routine event hardly worthy of note. For example, when telephoned by a carpet cleaning firm, there is no difficulty in accepting or rejecting the offer of service. No emotions are aroused by this simple interaction. Yet, when contacted by 'the stranger' who is our child or parent, enormously strong emotions are generated. It seems unlikely, Robinson says, that the simple invitation to contact is responsible for spontaneously generating such emotions. More likely, these are emotions which have lain dormant and are brought to life by the contact. Most likely, the grief felt at reunion is grief which has been denied and displaced until reunion occurs.

Many people have no clear understanding of why they are seeking reunion until after they experience it. Furthermore, she believes that such seeking does not require an explanation. Asking people to justify or explain why they want to reunite with family members gives a subtle message that this is suspect behaviour. Robinson makes the point that the primary parties to reunion must be the mother and the adult adopted. Other family members may wish to be involved, and hopefully will be in time. Adoptive family members, however, are bystanders and supporters, and it is rarely helpful for them to be actively involved at beginning stages of reunion. Robinson also discusses why some parties refuse reunion, based on their perceived inability to deal with the pain of the separation. Sometimes, mothers or adults adopted may feel or be told that to seek reunion would be to interfere with the other's current life. However, that 'interference' is really the result of the original interference with the natural family--separating them at the time of adoption.

Robinson makes the analogy between the maternal alienation caused by abusive partners and the strategies used to separate mothers from their children for adoption. For example, the constant verbal and emotional denigration of mothers by abusive fathers is compared to the strategies for convincing mothers that they cannot suitably take care of their children, even when they have (these days) manifestly been competent at raising a previous child or children. Similarly, separation of mother and child allows fathers and adopters to create a view of the mother as incompetent or dangerous to her children without the mother being able to contradict this view through word or action. Robinson discusses how these types of strategies affect adults adopted and their mothers at the time of reunion.

In an analogy to Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) so commonly placed on websites now, Robinson offers common questions asked by parents, adults adopted and others with her responses. She brings great compassion to her responses and has a gentle and positive way to phrase sometimes difficult information that I found useful and helpful. She affirms throughout her responses that the legal creation of family connections through adoption, like those created by marriage, does not erase the familial bonds created by gestation and birth. S

Robinson's book is a landmark in setting the dynamics of adoption reunion within the framework of grief. I found this to be personally true.

This book will be most helpful for adults adopted, their parents and counsellors working to assist them. I can envision that professionals involved in adoption would want to understand the effects they create, and that therefore this book might assist them to know the damage that they do. I would have difficulty personally understanding how they could continue their work if they read this book, however. I believe they and prospective adoptive parents would have to find ways to deny or discredit Robinson's work in order to continue what they do. Either that, or they would simply have no conscience.