Product Description

This fiercely honest and funny book answers questions no one else dares to ask: What if I don't like the kid I get? Will my child ever feel like mine? If this is the happiest day of my life, why am I so sad? Will she want the baby back? Will I want to return him? The book garnered rave reviews from Betty Jean Lifton, Jamie Lee Curtis, Cathy Guisewite, Adoptive Families of America, San Francisco Chronicle, and hundreds of readers. New, revised edition now in paper.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #94206 in Books
• Published on: 1999-09
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 167 pages

From Publishers Weekly
About three years ago, the author and her husband, both Jewish, adopted a male baby at birth. Their child, whom they named Ari, was the birth son of two 18-year-olds, a Mexican-American mother and an African American father. In this candid memoir, Wolff relates her mixed feelings about bringing up a child from a different cultural background. Although she deeply loves her son, she is concerned that a biracial adoption may have made his future life harder. She also discusses her fears--groundless, it turns out--that Martie, the birth mother, would return to claim her child. Although the author's frankness is disarming and she has bravely made the decision to maintain contact with Martie and to allow her to visit Ari, she makes sometimes harsh or patronizing judgments about Martie's life choices. Wolff's commitment to her son comes across here as absolute, but she makes clear she harbors many ambivalent emotions about the adoption that will be of interest to other adoptive parents of biracial children.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review
"What a great book! You won't be able to put it down." Sharon Roszia calls this "An insightful, totally honest must-read." Betty Jean Lifton says: "Jana Wolff takes the myth and denial out of adoption and uncovers its real secrets." Jamie Lee Curtis says: "This is a wonderful book." Adoptive Families magazine calls it: "Truly a treasure...the book identifies with poignancy and humor the very real and complex emotions of adoption." -- Tapestry Books

Customer Reviews

Realistic, fair portrayal of emotions during an adoption
This book was recommended by my home study agency. Before ordering I read the prior reviews and was somewhat concerned the book might be too angry or negative to have any message for me. I am writing to reassure those who might have similar concerns.

Note first, the book is dedicated to the authors mother and the adopted child's birth mother. Second, the author is sharing an open adoption, largely of her choice and entirely of her effort. The adoptive couple hope to provide the child, as he matures, an opportunity to know his biological family. Third, while the author admits (as those of who have tried and failed to conceive must), she doesn't understand how the birthmother can separate herself from her child, she also acknowledges the character and strength it must take to perform that unselfish act.

Anger? Frustration? Yes, there are those emotions. Kept in a 'secret thought' context, fair emotions. Those of us who find ourselves in stable marriages, educationally, and financially independent but infertile, relying on a social worker and a birthmother for a 'stamp of approval', can not help but feel anger at the irony of the situation.

There are a few 'bad' words, (I believe I noted 4), but far fewer than you hear daily if you live and work in soceity.

Far more important is the illustration the author provides of the roller coaster of self doubt and emotion adoptive parents experience. It is reassuring to know 'you are not the first to tread those waters'. Also, her experience with racism is invaluable to those of us who have adopted/will adopt children of a different race.

I do recommend the book.

The best adoption book I've ever read
I loved this book in which Wolff dares to say aloud the thoughts many adoptive parents (including me) have during and after the adoption process. Her willingness to share the deep-down gut-level truths about her own experience really moved me, as did her sometimes painful honesty and her great sense of humor. I laughed and cried and laughed some more and then gave the book as a gift to everyone I thought would be interested: other adoptive parents, my daughter, friends who are birth mothers who gave up their children for adoption. Everyone I've given the book to has loved it. I only wish Ms. Wolff had written it 28 years ago when I was reading every book I could find on adoption, but not finding any that paid much attention to "secret thoughts." When people learned our family (husband, wife, two sons) was adopting, they thought we were (or should be) somehow "better" or "nobler" than other people. I knew we weren't, of course (oh, secret guilt!). This book illumines the truth that in most adoption cases,there are few heroes (no villains, either); each of us (whether birth mother or adoptive parent) brings our own mix of circumstances, needs and motives (and secret thoughts) to the process, but hopefully share one characteristic: love for our children. Thank you, Jana Wolff, for writing this brave and important book.

Reassurance and humor in a stressful time.
The thoughts of an adoptive mother are not so different from the thoughts of a biological one, or so I've been told. If one is truely honest about it everyone is plagued by the "what ifs". What if my child isn't healthy, what if I don't bond with my child,what if this whole thing is a mistake, what if my child is, heaven forbid, ugly! I found Jana Wolff's book enjoyable, easy to read, and a wonderful confirmation that one shouldn't be ashamed of the random thoughts and worries that zing around in one's head as you wait for the adoption process to take its course.