Product Description

Almost without exception, the teen years are tumultuous for both girls and their mothers. Teen girls, who are socialized to stifle their anger and avoid confrontation, frequently take out their frustration on their mothers as the only safe and available targets. The good news is that with patience and the right guidance, mothers can transform the teenage years into positive ones and enrich the mother- daughter relationship. "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" combines the expertise of a clinical psychologist (who has worked with women and adolescent girls for more than twenty years) with that of a senior editor at a leading teen magazine. The book demonstrates how mother-daughter friction during adolescence, managed creatively, empowers girls by teaching them invaluable skills and can even foster intimacy. Discussion of social, emotional, cultural, and psychological issues is interwoven with the voices of mothers and daughters in case studies that are illuminating and reassuring. In the wake of widely popular books exposing the perils adolescent girls face, "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" provides mothers with much-needed practical strategies to help their daughters grow into emotionally healthy and capable adults. At the same time, women will encourage loving and lifelong connections with their daughters.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #42648 in Books
• Published on: 2000-03-01
• Released on: 2000-02-28
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 288 pages

Amazon.com
If you are a mother and many of your conversations with your teenage daughter begin with a rolling of eyes, move into shrieked insults, and end with a door slam, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You! could save you both. As Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver illustrate, even if you often seem to be living on two different planets, conflict does not have to define your relationship.

Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist specializing in issues of women and adolescent girls, and Silver, senior editor of Girls' Life magazine, have done mothers a great service with this thoroughly researched book. Their main point is simple: arguments are bound to occur, but if approached correctly, confrontation can actually lead to deeper mutual understanding and a stronger mother-daughter bond. Consistently working through battles also demonstrates a sense of constancy that will offer good lessons for future relationships. Through case studies, exercises, and detailed scenarios, the authors describe the most effective ways to communicate about such loaded topics as dating, sexuality, drugs and alcohol, and peer pressure, paying particular attention to the "classic battle starters": the state of her bedroom, her clothing, and her makeup and jewelry choices. Other in-depth chapters focus on the right and wrong ways to respond to verbal attacks and the importance of choosing battles wisely. Some of their advice will not be easy to follow, especially when the fight is on, but if some effort is exerted, these tips should help mothers and daughters not only survive, but even enjoy, the teen years.

From Publishers Weekly
Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist, and Silver, an editor of Girl's Life magazine, offer advice to mothers anxious about surviving their daughters' teen years. The authors assume that conflict is a given. Their aim is to provide mothers with strategies for coping with problems and even turning them into something positive. They reason that if girls learn how to handle conflict early on, if they can develop constructive ways of coping with their emotions, they will be that much further ahead in life. The authors offer some interesting examples and suggestions: advising mothers to choose their battles carefully and to calm themselves down before confronting their daughters. They take the usual approach of telling readers what to say and what not to say through a series of short, familiar vignettes. The organization is confusing, however, and leads to some repetition. In their attempt to be sympathetic to teens, the authors at times sound like apologists ("This kind of exasperating self-centeredness, for better or worse, is simply a part of being a teen"), making mothers want to tiptoe timidly around their daughters. The authors shy away from some big issues as well: they tell the story of a mother waiting for the results of a daughter's HIV test but squelch the opportunity to discuss AIDS issues in general. By the time they finish reading, mothers may find themselves yearning for a chapter, if not an entire book, written especially for their daughters on the pressures of motherhood.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist, and Silver, the senior editor of Girls' Life, present a commonsense guide to communication between mothers and teenage daughters. The book's value lies in concrete examples of events most mothers and daughters face as they mature. After a slow start, the numerous scenarios and conversation excerpts illustrate things to do and say quite well. More importantly, what not to do and say is also detailed. The authors briefly discuss some of the serious and life-threatening issues that may confront some parents and teens. Excellent checklists help determine whether a professional should be consulted. The authors recognize that this is easier said than done, but they reassure mothers that they are not alone and should trust their instincts and stay the course. This pep talk could be read daily by every mother of a teenage daughter. Recommended for public libraries. (Index and bibliography not seen.)AMargaret Cardwell, Georgia Perimeter Coll., Clarkston
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Customer Reviews

How to Listen to Your Teen
The title of the book is a grabber for most parents who think their child is defiant, manipulative or out-of-control. Many parents at this stage are feeling a little bit desperate, or a lot. They'll read anything that offers them hope and a way out of conflict.

I read it because I wanted to find out if I could recommend it to parents, and I can. Tough love doesn't work. Trust and deep listening does. Each acting out, the author shows, is a cry for help and this book throws you BOTH a lifeline.

Alexia Parks, [...] author of An American Gulag, Secret P.O.W. Camps for Teens.

NOT ANOTHER FIX THE MOTHER BOOK!!!
Very catching title, I will admit that but the book does not deliver. The book gives you tons of ways to fix yourself ( the mom) to make yourself better understand, take abuse, forgive, forget, relax, take a bath, etc. Granted when your daughter screams "I hate you" its fine to walk away and take a nice bath. But, when your daughter is in this century we all know things are much worse. Teenage girls are cutting themselves, doing hard drugs, having sex in middle school, running away, and much more. This book is too naive for the real world. The book is out of date and wastes your money telling the mom to not take anything personally. I don't know about you--but after 7 years of verbal abuse I just might take some of it personally.

What a relief!
This past summer my husband and I were devastated with our 16 yr old daughter's sudden behavior change. It was horrible. I went on Amazon to try and find some books on parenting teens in today's day and found this one. What a relief! As I was reading the case studies I cried, I swore they were some of my experiences word for word. If anything this book gave me comfort in knowing that I was not crazy and I was not alone. It also gave examples of the appropriate way to respond to different situations(in addition to counseling and a lot of praying). I've since recommended this book to our pastor and two other mothers who had sudden similar experiences. This is a must read for any mother with a teenage daughter!