Product Description

Teaching your toddler that “no means no” now can save you both suffering. But how do you say it so that he’ll understand?

For many parents of toddlers, saying “no” over and over becomes a mantra for exhaustion. Why is it so difficult to convey the meaning of this tiny word? Because, says pediatrician Will Wilkoff, when it comes to tots, actions speak louder than words.

Using very direct and simple guidelines, Dr. Wilkoff shows you how to develop a consistent and effective discipline plan. He explains what can go wrong with time-out and how to overcome obstacles, including your child’s rebelliousness, physical space issues, and your own reluctance. He also presents helpful advice for special situations, such as how to say no at meal times, at grandma’s house, and when your child is sick.

Presenting his compassionate and practical approach, Dr. Wilkoff shows how you can respond to the misbehavior of very young children while teaching them self-control that will benefit them throughout their lives. How to Say No to Your Toddler is the ideal guide for any parent who wants to take a more effective approach for raising healthy, happy children.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #437842 in Books
• Published on: 2003-10-14
• Released on: 2003-10-14
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 240 pages

From the Inside Flap

Teaching your toddler that ?no means no? now can save you both suffering. But how do you say it so that he?ll understand?

For many parents of toddlers, saying ?no? over and over becomes a mantra for exhaustion. Why is it so difficult to convey the meaning of this tiny word? Because, says pediatrician Will Wilkoff, when it comes to tots, actions speak louder than words.

Using very direct and simple guidelines, Dr. Wilkoff shows you how to develop a consistent and effective discipline plan. He explains what can go wrong with time-out and how to overcome obstacles, including your child?s rebelliousness, physical space issues, and your own reluctance. He also presents helpful advice for special situations, such as how to say no at meal times, at grandma?s house, and when your child is sick.

Presenting his compassionate and practical approach, Dr. Wilkoff shows how you can respond to the misbehavior of very young children while teaching them self-control that will benefit them throughout their lives. How to Say No to Your Toddler is the ideal guide for any parent who wants to take a more effective approach for raising healthy, happy children.

About the Author

A pediatrician for more than twenty-five years, WILL WILKOFF, M.D., is the author of three previous books (most recently The Three-Month Breastfeeding Guide) and has promoted his parenting strategies on national television, including “20/20” and “The Today Show.” Dr. Wilkoff lives and practices in Brunswick, Maine.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1

The Importance of NO

Do I Need THIS BOOK?

We arrive at the threshold of parenting with our own unique collection of strengths and vulnerabilities. All children are not cut from the same cloth, and each of us must adopt a parenting style that is appropriate for our child's age and personality. The possible combinations of child temperaments and parental personalities are so numerous that no author can claim to offer advice that will work in every situation, or a strategy that every parent will find appealing.

However, during my thirty years as a general pediatrician working with thousands of families, I have noticed that the parents who are successful at managing their children's inevitable misbehaviors have one thing in common. Whether they be lobstermen or college professors, they discover how to say "No" while their children are still toddlers. It wasn't always easy. They shared their struggles with me and together we worked out the solutions. Here are a few of their most frequently encountered scenarios. If some of them sound familiar, then you will find the answers you are looking for in this book.

When I say "No" my toddler laughs and runs away. You have been playing games with your child for months. Now he has to learn that there are situations when you mean business.

My partner and I disagree on how we should respond when our child misbehaves. Consistency is an important element in managing your child's behavior. However, it is only natural that sometimes the two of you will disagree about discipline. There are several ways to incorporate these expected inconsistencies into your approach to parenting.

Our daycare provider complains that our child is being too aggressive. If his behavior doesn't improve, we may be asked to find another daycare. In this era when two-earner families have become the norm, behavior management is not just something to be done at home. There are simple solutions to this complex issue.

I find myself screaming at my toddler to get him to behave. It seldom works and I don't like the way I sound. You can learn to use your words and your actions to manage your child's misbehaviors without raising your voice.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have smacked my child's hand to stop a behavior. You knew it was a mistake the moment you did it, but under the circumstances you felt you were out of options. There are ways to change the circumstances and there are other, safer strategies that work.

I have read that I should be redirecting my toddler and providing positive reinforcement for his good behavior, but I've tried and he continues the same misbehaviors. While these two strategies can be components of a successful behavior management plan, without a coexisting set of consequences for misbehavior they are seldom effective. This book will show you how to draw age-appropriate limits and administer safe, humane, and effective consequences.

We've tried time-out, but it didn't work. Time-out still remains the safest and most effective way to discourage your child's misbehaviors, but many parents, like yourselves, must learn the fine points of the process before it will be effective.

I've listened to some parents who try to talk their child into behaving properly. These discussions sound silly and don't stop the misbehavior. It is very important to talk to your child and consider the motivations for his behaviors, but eventually you must stop discussing the situation and take action. There are safe and humane ways of moving beyond the words when the situation demands action.

Our child seems to come by her good behavior naturally, but we want to be prepared for the time when she begins to test us. You may have been blessed with a child who--for the moment--seems to require neither limits nor consequences. But, as you suspect, the bubble will burst someday. This step into the real world will be much easier if you already have a plan.

This book does not dictate a monolithic plan that must be followed in painful detail from A to Z to achieve success. It is a collection of observations gathered over thirty years of watching thousands of parents succeed and fail at behavior management. I have arranged its chapters in what I consider to be a logical sequence, but you are encouraged to jump around and read the chapters that sound most appropriate first.

Whether it be the employment of earlier bedtimes, setting more age-appropriate limits, or learning how to use time-out, I am sure you will find the ingredients from which you can create an effective behavior management strategy that will fit your family's unique situation.

I have tried to keep this book short enough to be read in one or two evenings. From experience, I know that some chapters will need to be reread several times as new challenging behaviors erupt. I hope you find what I have to say helpful. If you do, please share what you have learned with other parents. Raising children is hard work and we all need a little encouragement from time to time.

Behavioral realist or realistic behaviorist? A book reviewer once described me as a behaviorist, and I guess if I were forced to crawl into a well-recognized psychological niche, the sign over the pigeonhole would read "Behavioral Therapist." I believe that we can mold behavior with positive and negative reinforcement, but if I could choose my own label, I would prefer to be known as a "Realist."

What you will read in this book is not based on theory, but on real world experiences. The most valuable portion of my education in child psychology began during my last year in medical school, when the first of our three children was born. Over the next thirty years, as I watched her and more than five thousand other children grow into adulthood, I observed what worked and what didn't work for my wife and myself and the other parents who were kind enough to share their experiences with me. I understand the challenges of parenting a toddler from firsthand experience. I won't ask you to make changes in your style that I haven't tried myself or seen other parents use successfully. I have realistic expectations for what you can accomplish, just as I want you to have realistic expectations for your child's behavior. You can be sure that although my advice may have a behavioral flavor it will always be realistic.

Now Is the Time to Learn How to Say "No!"

It isn't too early. Your toddler has been capable of understanding that "No" means "Stop that behavior!" since he was at least nine months old and probably long before that. But like many parents, you may have been reluctant to give him credit for understanding your admonitions. After all, he's only a baby.

On the other hand, you may have been far more lenient in interpreting his ability to grasp your encouraging words. You have been talking to your baby from the first moment you saw his heart beating on a sonogram. You had been asking him questions, telling him stories, and sharing your emotions with him for many months before you saw an obvious response flicker across his face.

Although you may have erroneously given him credit for a grin before he was a week old, by six weeks of age he was definitely smiling in response to your foolish chortling. When he was two or three months old your antics could trigger a hearty belly laugh, and by his sixth month your interactions had risen to the level of mimicking each other's lip-rattling "raspberries." These were true, but often wordless, conversations. Each of you expected and received a response to the sounds you were making. These little chats were all very happy and positive, but they formed the foundation for more serious communications that were to come. Even when he was six months old your child could draw associations between what you said, how you said it, and what was going to happen next.

Now that your little baby has "grown legs" and has begun looking for adventure, he is not too young to understand that when you say a particular word (e.g., "No") with a certain tone in your voice, he can expect negative consequences. Your toddler or even your creeping nine-month-old is pretty smart. If chicks can learn to peck at colored lights in complex sequences and rats can run mazes without a false step, your one-year-old is more than capable of understanding what you mean when you say "No." He may have already demonstrated that he understands its meaning by saying "No" himself in response to most of your questions. The process of attaching words to consequences is simple. Unfortunately, applying it to your young child's behavior isn't always easy, and that is why I have written this book.

And, it certainly isn't too late. Although I have chosen to include the word "toddler" in the title of this book, How to Say No . . . contains strategies and principles that can be applied to children who are in preschool. Even if you have been inconsistent in how and when you have been saying "No" for years, there is still time to learn how to use the word effectively.

If your child is between ages one and five he is still very adaptable, and you will discover that success can come in just a matter of days, weeks at the longest. In fact I have spoken with scores of parents of four- and five-year-olds who have noticed significant improvement overnight after making one or two simple changes in their approach to behavior management. It is never too late to change your behavior and the way you talk with your child so that he knows that you mean what you say.

But it gets harder the longer you wait. Compared to adolescence, the toddler years are far less complex. The situations in which you must say "No" to your two-year-old are pretty simple. "Don't run into the street!" "Don't play with the computer cords!" "Don't climb up on the kitchen counter!" The hazards in the life of a toddler are very real and...

Customer Reviews

Helped me discipline without spanking
Probably the best thing I got out of this book for use with my toddler was the assurance that time-outs in the bedroom wouldn't spoil that place as forever associated with punishment thereafter. With this to comfort me, I was able to consistently offer and enforce time-outs as a consequence for my toddler's discipline, and she now alters her behavior with the threat of a time-out, takes it plenty seriously, and still enjoys playing in and hanging out in her bedroom at other times. I've never spanked her yet in her life (she's 27 months, and I spanked her older brothers plenty, before I bought into the possibility that time-outs could be an effective alternative), and she's well-behaved and sweet.

couldn't put it down
I couldn't finish reading this book fast enough. I read it in 2 days..I found this book to be very helpful for my situations with my 2 year old son.

Disappointed in this book--too rigid for younger toddlers
The book outlines a program of setting limits, setting consequences, and following through with them in order to shape your toddler's behavior. The author says that safety is the main concern, and that parents should pick what behaviors they want to change instead of over-restricting their behavior. You can't make them perfectly behaved, they're toddlers! So he asks parents to make a top ten list of specific behaviors they want to change. Like, refuses to take a nap, always plays with the vcr, runs out in the street, etc. I liked this part because it helped me see that my 13 month old isn't badly behaved ALL the time, he just does some things that drive me nuts.

So far, so good. He says that when the toddler does the activity you want to change, redirection should always be the first thing you try. If redirection works, great. But on most toddlers, it doesn't work most of the time. He says you have to tell them "no, we don't play with cords" and the reason why, but not to try to over-reason with them. But the only consequence he really outlines in the book is time-out, preferably in the child's room with the door closed (and latched if necessary). He says 1 minute of time out for every year of age. And the time out doesn't start until the child is quiet (or not screaming at least). This is where I have a problem with the book--it says it is for 9 months-3 years but there is no way you can give a 9 month old a time out!! That is just cruel. I don't think they really work with kids under 2, maybe some 18-24 month olds, depending on the child. But under 18 months, forget it!

He spends a lot of time talking about why misbehavior occurs and says it is usually because kids are overtied. Duh!!! He offers a rather simplistic (and ferber-ized) solution to solving sleep problems, and doesn't really take into account nursing toddlers or co-sleeping and is pretty dismissive of attachment parenting.

The reasoning behind this book is sound I think, but it is too rigid for most people to use especially with younger toddlers. 2-3 year olds with verbal capacity, maybe.

I bought this book hoping it would offer a more structured approach to discipline than some of the gentle discipline techniques that aren't working, especially redirection. But I don't see how time outs would help with my "velcro toddler." He suggests "convenience" time outs for the velcro toddler--four minutes in the child's room while you make a phone call, but how would he understand why he is in his room? How would a time out help with his fighting diaper changes? I don't see how letting him sit in his room in a dirty diaper for a minute would solve anything. He doesn't advocate spanking or swatting, but I was really looking for something in between redirection and harsh time outs for younger toddlers.