Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #22035 in Books
• Published on: 1994-03-05
• Released on: 1994-03-05
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Mass Market Paperback
• 384 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Laake's heartfelt account of her strict Mormon upbringing and two disastrous Mormon marriages includes new material. Literary Guild selection in cloth.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Kirkus Reviews
A candid, often startling memoir of the author's life as a Mormon wife. Though Laake is now a professional journalist, she was raised in a Mormon family and sent to Brigham Young University with one paramount aim: to find and marry ``a faithful Mormon man.'' Without such a marriage, plus the guidance that only a devout husband could provide, she would ``be denied access to the highest level of Mormon heaven''--just one of the many unusual aspects of the emphatically patriarchal religion that Laake reveals here. Moreover, the author intended to wed not any man but ``the One''- -the marriage partner predestined by God--and when she began to doubt that one narrow-minded but extraordinarily persistent suitor, Monty Brown, was the One, Monty and Laake's own brother rushed to her side to exorcise ``the devil'' that had invaded her soul. Laake married Monty in an arcane ceremony whose esoteric details are zestfully described here; pledged to wear ``garments'' (a kind of sanctified nightgown) for the rest of her life; and began what most Americans would consider a bizarre life that included the recycling of condoms through vigorous washing. Within nine months, the naturally free-spirited author asked for a divorce and began--under the close (and, by her account, sexually obsessed) scrutiny of male church authorities--a painful odyssey of self-liberation that included two further marriages, two nervous breakdowns with hospitalization, and the slow recognition of her worth as a woman. Throughout, Laake tends toward emotionally colored, often awkward, writing (``on her first engagement: ``Soon we had created a huge, gay, snowballing ritual of congratulations that sometimes shouted down my fears'') that admirably avoids rancor but that evinces few good words for the church (``the hollow moan of dogma'') she's left behind. By no means objective, then, but, still, an affectingly personal look into the well-guarded citadel of Mormondom. (First serial to Cosmopolitan) -- Copyright ©1993, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

Customer Reviews

Great life lessons found here!
"The mind is a dark genius - it can rationalize anything."
-- Denis Waitley

The book "Secret Ceremonies" makes for a fascinating case study - and not just the one that the author was aiming for.

Ms. Laake didn't know that her mental illness would return or that she was developing breast cancer and that she would eventually take her own life (February 6, 2000) when she was putting the finishing touches on this book back in the early 1990's. No, it's not in the book but that's how her story ends. But to fully understand the end one must rewind the tape and view the beginning and middle of the story - and that's where this one gets really interesting because there's a "take away" for everyone in this book.

To this listener (I listened to the audiobook) the overarching, recurring theme in Ms. Laake's story is denial. This is hardly surprising since in order to survive in a cult one must remain in a constant state of denial.

Specifically, one must deny your core values, beliefs, feelings and perception in favor of the new reality provided by the binding system. The psychological term for this is "snapping". The refusal (or reluctance) to "snap" will not enable you to fully participate in, let alone succeed in the group. Based on the mountain of testimonies from ex-Mormons it's clear that this "double bind snap" is the order of the day in the LDS Church. (For a full dissertation on this read "The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism" by Marion Stricker)

Never-the-less, it's fascinating to see how denial was so internalized that it dominated Ms. Laake's thinking long after she was out of the church. As Terry Greene Sterling, a former colleague at the Phoenix Times put it, "Laake liked to think of herself as a brutally honest journalist, and she was, except when she wrote about herself." she goes on to explain, " . . . shortly after her suicide, I realized she had blamed Mormonism and the men in her life for her mental illness, for the terrible dark spells that followed the giddy manic highs." And there lays the platinum "take away" of this intriguing book - how Deborah Laake systematically denies any responsibility for her behavior and the damaged life that resulted from it.

For example, Terry Greene Sterling goes on to document how, "She wept that Mormon leaders would not allow her to eulogize her mother during an upcoming church funeral, wouldn't even let her sit in the front of the church with the family. Of course, she should have expected such a reaction after ripping into the Mormon church in 'Secret Ceremonies,' but she couldn't recognize the ugly logic . . . "

Another example is how she was so expert at choosing romantic pursuits that were dysfunctional to point of being destructive. The data provided in the book would indicate that she had a pattern of impulsively first romanticizing and later villanizing the men in her life. Her courtships are counted here in months as are her marriages and affairs. Yet Ms. Laake never seems to consider the possibility that she didn't let enough time elapse to really get to know her love interests before she made serious, life impacting physical and romantic commitments to them. It never seems to occur to her that she was only positively emotionally invested in the relationship until a major commitment -- such as marriage or living together -- was made.

In other words, she never got to know the "real" person behind the "dream lover" before she gave herself up. Then as soon as the real person emerged suddenly, other new, idealized relationships seemed far more interesting. (If the discerning reader is wondering if Ms. Laake was exhibiting the classic symptoms of a romance addict you're not alone)

In a similar vein, Ms. Laake employs a mocking tone toward the Mormon/LDS Church but there's no indication in the book that she any pursued other, more mainstream belief systems or philosophies. She never attempted to figure out why the LDS Church is defined as a "cult" rather than a "denomination" or "sect". Frankly, I didn't sense any real spiritual hunger in Ms. Laake, just a general disdain for authority figures in general, male authority figures in particular under girded by an emotive attention seeking personality.

This is reflected in how the devout (both genders) and the leaders in the book (overwhelmingly male) come off as naive idiots that she is somehow smarter and superior to despite her lack of practical and theological education as well as her limited life experience relative to theirs. This is classic narcissistic, ego-driven grandiosity that this reviewer found trying -- it's amusing when it's coming from an ignorant, inexperienced adolescent but grating coming from a 40-something adult.

As if to put a spotlight on this type of "baby with the bath water" thinking, in her summation Ms. Laake rejects any form of systematic theology labeling it "God as defined by controllers" as if only HER experience and understanding of God is legitimate and she is immune from controlling, manipulative behavior due to her "victim" role - which ironically is the historic "career path" for emerging cult leaders. (see Walter Martin's classic "The Kingdom of the Cults" for a full exposition)

So in the end the big, troubling question that this book raises isn't, "Is the Mormon/LDS Church a wacky, controlling, potentially dangerous cult?" there are any number of fine books that have answered that in detail to the affirmative.

Rather the better question is, "Was Deborah Laake's mental illness a result of being traumatized by the Mormon/LDS Church or by other factors?" This, I believe, is the better question because it elevates this intriguing and riveting book past it's banal particulars to far more valuable universal questions. As another reviewer (in this case an Ex-Mormon man) put it so well,

"I think any Mormon who grew up in the church (especially females) can relate in some way to her story. Most of us haven't ended up in mental institutions, due in part, because of the pressures the church and our LDS families place on us, but it isn't too difficult to see how that could possibly happen. . . . Non-members, as well as former or current LDS members, should find this book to be a very interesting autobiography. "

Or as Elizabeth Browning said so well, "Always learn from experience - preferably someone else's" To me, this book is a marvelous example of where an unexamined, unenlightened, self-absorbed life will lead you. The Mormon/LDS Church in that light simply becomes a minor character in this great and wonderful play called, "Life".

Like I said at the beginning, there's a "take away" for everyone in this fine book and I highly recommend it!

Books that expand on the issues raised in this book and review:
================================================================
The Pattern of The Double-Bind in Mormonism

Twisted Scriptures: A Path to Freedom from Abusive Churches

Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships

Boundaries

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.

Keeping the Faith: Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse

Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, The, repack: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church

Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences

Toxic Churches: Restoration from Spiritual Abuse

Candid Account of A Woman Seeking Truth
I was sad to read that Deborah Laake died a few years after she wrote this and wondered if the thought of dying of cancer provoked her to suicide or if it was disappointment in the direction her life took and maybe a sense of the looming condemnation from "the church", a term I use loosely. Anyway, it IS a page-turner, a bit too explicit for my taste in some parts, and pretty revealing concerning the Temple ceremonies. For someone wanting a Mormon woman's point of view, this one is priceless.

Secret Ceremonies revealed
This was a very well written book. It gave me an insight I had never hoped to find. I was grateful to have found this book. My step brother joined the Mormon religion so he could marry his high school girlfriend. The day he married, my step mother stood on the steps of the Temple fuming b/c NONE of his family was allowed inside during the Mormon ceremony. As Catholics we were not privy to their secrets and esoteric hoo-ha. I knew why were standing out there on the steps. I had read Deborah Laake's book. I wasn't sorry that I wasn't inside. I wouldn't want to stand there watching my brother pretend to disembowel himself. It's sick. Early on he started talking about having his own planet in the Celestial Kingdom or some such nonsense. He turned into a snotty jackass with delusions of grandeur. It was all very frightening. I think Deborah Laake was incredibly brave to try and find a life beyond being just another sheep. Her book really spoke of her existential struggle. I think if her church had been the loving community it professes to be, she'd have been able to ask questions and find some peace. She was a gifted writer. I found her story humorous at times and painfully tragic at others. I'm just devastated to learn that she committed suicide. The church turned against her for asking questions. She was excommunicated...kicked her out of her life. The self serving smug attitude of the church is the most un Christian behavior I have ever witnessed. It's a cult by definition. I Hope that Deborah Laake found her peace.