Product Description

This book shows engaged couples and newlyweds how they can identify and overcome stumbling blocks to a healthy marriage. This condensed audio version of the book is read by the authors.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #2421858 in Books
• Published on: 2001-05
• Format: Abridged
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 2
• Binding: Audio Cassette

From the Back Cover
Living happily ever after doesn't just happen. It can be something you make happen. By mastering certain skills, you can keep your love alive -- for a lifetime. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott help you prepare for lifelong relationship with questions every couple should ask before (and after) they marry: - Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty? - Have you developed the habit of happiness? - Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear? - Do you understand your differences as a man and woman? - Do you know how to fight a good fight? - Are you and your partner soul mates? Whether you are contemplating marriage, engaged, or already married, the Parrotts will lead you through the thorniest spots in establishing a relationship. They will help you uncover and deal with problems, communicate, develop positive ways to resolve conflict, and achieve spiritual intimacy now, while your love is fresh.

About the Author
Dr. Les Parrott is the codirector with his wife Dr. Leslie Parrott of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les is a professor of clinical psychology at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, and Relationships. They have been featured in the New York Times and USA Today, and have appeared on Oprah, CNN, CBS This Morning, and The Today Show.;Dr. Leslie Parrott is the codirector with her husband Dr. Les Parrott of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, and Relationships. They have been featured in the New York Times and USA Today, and have appeared on Oprah, CNN, CBS This Morning, and The Today Show.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Question One: Have You Faced the Myths of Marriage with Honesty? Tom and Laura came to see us just nine months after their wedding. They had swallowed the happily-ever-after myth whole and were now feeling queasy. “Before we got married we couldn’t bear to be apart from one another,” Laura confided. “We did almost everything together, and I thought that’s how it would be in our marriage, even more so.” She paused for a moment. “But now Tom needs more space. It seems like he’s not the guy I married.” Tom rolled his eyes as Laura continued: “He used to be so considerate and thoughtful before we were married” “Oh, and I’m a total slouch now?” Tom interrupted. “Of course not, you or maybe we are just different now.” Nervously twisting his wedding band, Tom looked at Laura: “Marriage isn’t what I expected either. I didn’t expect it to be a big honeymoon or anything; I just thought you would try to make life a little easier for me. Instead, when I come home from the office, all you want is to go out or” “I make dinner every night for you,” Laura interrupted. Surprised by their display of unrestrained emotion in front of us, they stopped silent and looked to us as if to say, “See, our marriage isn’t what it’s supposed to be.” Tom and Laura entered their marriage believing that happiness would abound. They had heard that marriage was hard work, but they didn’t expect it to be a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week job. The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is one of the most widely held and destructive marriage myths. But it is only the tip of the marital-myth iceberg. Every difficult marriage is plagued by a vast assortment of misconceptions about what marriage should be.1 In this chapter, however, we consider only those ideas that are most harmful and most common: 1. “We expect exactly the same things from marriage.” 2. “Everything good in our relationship will get better.” 3. “Everything bad in my life will disappear.” 4. “My spouse will make me whole.” The goal of this chapter is to take the mythology out of marriage. For too long, marriage has been saddled with unrealistic expectations and misguided assumptions. Liberated from these four myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain. Myth One: “We Expect Exactly the Same Things from Marriage” What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expect generally happens, especially in marriage. Saying “I do” brings with it a host of conscious and unconscious expectations that aren’t always fulfilled. Neil and Cathy, a couple in their late twenties and married for four years, each had a clear image of what life together would be like, but they had never discussed their ideas. They, like most newlyweds, simply assumed the other had an identical picture of marriage in mind. Nothing, however, could have been further from the truth. Cathy: “I expected married life to bring more stability and predictability to our lifestyle. To me it meant working in the garden together.” Neil: “I wanted our marriage to be exciting and spontaneous, not a ho-hum routine. To me it meant riding a motorcycle together.” As far back as early childhood, Neil and Cathy began dreaming of how married life would be. They grew up in homes where parents modeled “married life.” They read books describing loving relationships. They watched television shows and movies depicting scenes from marriage. For years they had fantasized about life after crossing the threshold. With little effort, each had formed an idea of what it would and should be like to live as a married couple. Consciously and unconsciously, Neil and Cathy painted brushstrokes on their mental marital canvases. But it never occurred to either of them that the other might be working from a different palette. They simply assumed their life-long partner would work with complementary colors and in a similar style. The first year of marriage, however, revealed sharp and unexpected contrasts. What Cathy thought of as security, Neil thought of as boring. They valued many of the same things, but with different levels of intensity. Cathy painted carefully with delicate pastels; Neil painted boldly with primary colors. Most incongruous expectations fall into two major categories: unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Bringing both of them out into the open can save years of wear and tear on a young marriage. Unspoken Rules Everyone lives by a set of rules that is rarely spoken but always known. Needless to say, unspoken rules become more vocal when our spouse “breaks” them. This became painfully obvious to us when we visited our families for the first time as a married couple. One Christmas, we flew from Los Angeles to Chicago to be with our families for the holidays. The first night was at my (Leslie’s) house. As was my family’s custom, I woke up early in the morning to squeeze in every possible minute with my family. Les, on the other hand, slept in. I interpreted Les’s sleeping as avoidance and rejection and felt he did not value time with my family. “It’s embarrassing to me,” I told Les. “Everyone is up and eating in the kitchen. Don’t you want to be with us?” Les, on the other hand, didn’t understand my intensity. “What did I do? I’m just catching up from jet lag. I’ll come down after my shower,” he said. As I found out later, Les expected a slower, easier pace during the holidays, because that’s the way it was at his house. In this incident, Les had broken a rule he didn’t know existed, and I discovered a rule I had never put into words. Both of us felt misunderstood and frustrated. We both had our own ideas about what was acceptable, and it never occurred to either of us that our expectations would be so different. Each of us became irritated by the other’s unspoken expectations and frustrated that the other did not live by the same rules. Since that first Christmas we have learned to discuss our secret expectations and make our silent rules known. We have also helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their own unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones.

Customer Reviews

Best Book on Marital, Interpersonal Relationships!!!
Having counseled many couples in 20 years of pastoral ministry, I have read several books on marital, interpersonal relationships. The authors present sound principles that are easy for persons to understand and to apply. I had a few older favorites I would recommend to couples until reading this book -- now I have a new favorite to share instead!

One of the unique, most admirable qualities of this work is that it is very helpful to persons regardless of their marital status. A single individual will find it helpful for insight during dating. A person who is engaged will find it helpful in identifying issues that are sure to arise within marriage. A newlywed will find it helpful in responding to the major adjustments of sharing his/her life with another person. A person who has been married for several years will find it helpful in understanding how a marriage deepens and grows over the course of time.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone wanting to enhance the relationship with his/her "significant other." The Parrotts also have video tapes available to use in a seminar or as part of pre-marital or post-marital counseling. This book is definitely one to own!

Best Marriage Preparation Book
As a pastor of 25 years, I have used several books as part of a pre-marital counseling regiment. This is the best, by far! Not only do the Man's and Woman's Workbooks (I suggest ordering them with the book) make premaritial counseling simpler, I have found that this book hits the nail on the head. Couples who went through the material in preparation for marriage thanked me after they were married, and they shared how valuable this material was in the daily grind of life.

I first heard the authors at a Moody Pastor's Conference in the late 1990's. It did not take me long to determine that I would check out their books. I have since concluded that Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are exceptional in the realm of understanding human relationships.

Althogh the book is written by a godly Christian couple, this is more of a relational book than a spiritual one, so I would not consider it a complete pre-marital regiment, but a good anchor book.

Whether used in counseling or simply read by a couple in their own quest to prepare for marriage, this book is a gem. The Drs. Parrott seem to have a realistic (and well documented) grasp on the nature of marriage. This is practical, hands on material.

The book is arranged around 7 questions: Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty? Can you identify your love style? Have you developed the habit of happiness? Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear? Have you bridged the gender gap? Do you know how to fight a good fight? and Are you and your partner soul mates?

Of course no couple entering marriage could honestly answer all those questions with a "yes." But the book provides a good start and helps couples begin to face reality and potential areas of growth.

If a couple follows the exercises by purchasing the workbooks, (like identifying some of your own personal "commandments"--rules you live by that you picked up who knows where and expect your spouse to know and agree with), it could preclude many potential tensions later.

This book could also be used as a marriage enrichment manual. Indeed, many couples (perhaps most) have probably failed to incorporate these solid principles. Indeed, several couples I counseled have identified this exercise as having made a significant difference in their marriages.

To those of you considering marriage, go through this book together, and cosider at least some of the exercises in the workbooks. To pastors and Christian counselors, I urge you to read this volume and consider using it!

A great resource for marriage problem prevention
As an Author, Coach, and Motivational Speaker I read a lot of books about people, their motivations, and their relationships. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is an honest, straight forward, and personal journey to a healthy marriage. It's an excellent relationship book and I give it an A+.

The Parrott's share their personal relationship journey with all the challenges, confusion, and celebration that a relationship can bring. They ask and explore seven powerful questions and illustrate them with their experiences with each. They then provide practical solutions that you can implement to help you create, improve, and enhance your marriage.

The seven questions are:

1. Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty?
Happily ever after only comes with working on your marriage.

2. Can you identify your love style?
We each give and receive love differently. Is your partner actually hearing the I Love You's you send their way?

3. Have you developed the habit of happiness?
I loved their line about the right attitude in spite of atmospheric conditions.

4. Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear?
Too many times we talk around the problem and then only hear our preconceived notions about the responses we receive.

5. Have you bridged the gender gap?
Men and Women are different! If you don't get a clue about how and why you're in for a hard, hard time of it.

6. Do you know how to fight a good fight?
Skip the theatrics, defensiveness, and low-blows. Conflict in a relationship is natural and you can deal with it positively by being honest and respectful with your mate.

7. Are you and your partner soulmates?
"Tending to the spiritual dimension of marriage is what unites couples in unbreakable bonds."

I recommend you get a copy of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts whether you're single, engaged, or married. It will prepare you for a great relationship that lasts a lifetime.