Product Description

This important and compassionate new book from the creator of the successful God Allows U-Turns series will help parents and grandparents of the many adult children who continue to make life painful for their loved ones.

Writing from firsthand experience, Allison identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her son in bondage—and how she overcame them. Additional real life stories from other parents are woven through the text.

A tough–love book to help readers cope with dysfunctional adult children, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower families by offering hope and healing through S.A.N.I.T.Y.—a six–step program to help parents regain control in their homes and in their lives.

• S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
• A = Assemble a Support Group
• N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
• I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
• T = Trust Your Instincts
• Y = Yield Everything to God

Foreword by Carol Kent (When I Lay My Isaac Down)

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #4303 in Books
• Published on: 2008-02-01
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 224 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780736921350
• Condition: NEW
• Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
• Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

Customer Reviews

Dealing with your adult (children not necessarily)

I was listening to Neil Boran one day and he spoke about giving..I wanted to know as a Christian - when do you "stop" giving - and he highly recommended this book "Bottoke"..sorry just can't think of the name right now and I lent it to my sister. We have had a family crisis for almost 4 years now where we have been supporting our brother (50 years) and it is going nowhere. He continues to be destructive, critical about the world, and does not take responsibility for "his" responsibilities. He continues to make things worse for him and his sisters (6) have been picking up the pieces...this book brought great insight into the situation, it made me realize that I need to trust God for his well being, I am part of the problem..and now sharing with my other sisters who continue to "feel" sorry for our brother. It does not help him and I have now taken a firm stance with the understanding that God does not "expect" me to take on my brother's responsibilities..yes we help, we love, we try guidance and support but enough is enough because when he does not listen - it becomes our fault..and it is true. We enable them to depend on our support and they can do as they please as there are no consequences for their actions. God needs to be his support not me or my sisters..( my brother is a Christian and has been longer then I have). His actions and behaviours were confusing me in my own walk with the Lord and it was scaring me..so this book has brought me guidance, support, comfort and action on how to deal with this. Most of all it helped me deal with my guilt and build my "trust". True love of someone - sometimes will hurt terribly, but ultimately I am trusting the Lord that what ever my brother's ends/situation will be - it is between "him" and God..and I hold on that God always works things to the better..
I highly recommend this book for young parents who are having difficulties with their teenagers,young adult children..even young children..it should be read prior to their children getting older..because as parents "love" and doing is not enough..we have lost the ability to "teach" and sometimes teaching/learning is difficult, painful...nothing worthwhile is without pain and hard work...the Lord has taught us that and that you will find in this book in a manner that is practical and usable in today's world...great stuff...

Sound Suggestions
I carefully read all reviews here prior to ordering the book. There are many elements of the book that are sound and practical. The emphasis on parents not being taken hostage by their own children is very sound. Likewise, Allison Bottke's exploration of how parents enable their adult children is an excellent portion. Helping, as she says, is doing for our children what they cannot do for themselves; enabling is doing for them what they can do for themselves. Placing the emphasis on creating autonomy--both on the parental and child roles--is also a strength to this book. Overall, Bottke provides a clear path toward separating oneself, nurturing oneself, letting go of the worries over the adult child so that he or she can find independence. Bottke also delves into the power and positive force of support groups such as Al-anon. Very importantly, Bottke gives 20 signposts for troubled, sociopathic people, and this is an invaluable checklist. All told, these constitute solid reminders of our own healthiness, ou boundaries and selves so that we can live in peace.

If I have any personal reservations about the book, it would have to do with the solely Christian path to recovery. Bottke is very up-front about this being a book in which her perspective is based on Christian principles, so she cannot be faulted. As a Christian myself, I appreciate her point of view, but I also wonder whether the foundation of her philosophy does not merely resonate with sound, universally accepted "moral" and "ethical" tenets of civilized people, regardless of their religious persuasion. By isolating this as a Christian text, Bottke, it seems to me, narrows the broader audience who might receive the larger message she gives.

My most serious reservation about this book, however is that Bottke quotes media person Bill O'Reilly, whose view of the culture are too angry and accusatory for me. Honestly, I admit openly that I have no respect for O'Reilly because of his outrageous and vicious commentaries, so this was a depressing moment for me in reading this otherwise good book from an author I want to respect. I'd rather Bottke have said the O'Reilly "excuse abuse" quote herself, from her own life and experience than hauling in O'Reilly. He just comes with too many negative associations and his own checkered personal history in a book about healing and finding peace.

~ LIFE CHANGING ~
One day I was sitting in my recliner, not having a pity party, but just evaluating my life. I have a son who is a successful doctor. Another owns his own plumbing company. Another is sought after in the field of computer programming.

I also have two grown children that I sometimes refer to as my "gifts- that just keep on giving". These 'kids' are 32 (my youngest son) and 36 years old (my husband's bipolar daughter who is also on street drugs). If ever the Lord has spoken to me (and I know He has)..it was this day. Thoughts were flowing. "I don't know what NORMAL is. I tried to envision what it would be like to have a family gathering where my functioning kids could interact with the two 'outsiders'. What would it be like to not cringe when the phone rings with the next drama, to plan a vacation for me and my husband where we could just go and have a GREAT TIME without worrying about which one of them were having a crisis! I went on to the realization that "I am all USED UP. There is no more. There is NO joy in my life. No smiles. No laughter. No fun. No hope". Just me, waiting for the next round. My functioning children don't even KNOW me anymore because I have been so consumed with the two that require my time, energy, money and support.

Keep in mind, this was NOT a depressing awakening. It was LIBERATING! But I realized I needed a support system because it wasnt going to be easy to keep from falling back into my routine of "fixing" everything for every one else. I started looking for reading material and am so thankful that I ran across this book. I empathized with the author about her son - she and I shared the same feelings and some of the same experiences. The entire book just clarified to me what I needed to do to REALLY help these children. It reinforced the fact that this is not a selfish thing I am doing- it is the MOST GIVING,MOST LOVING, MOST UN-SELFISH thing I can do for my grown children - to quit trying to protect my grown kids from themselves and their consistent poor choices. I had been giving them just enough leash to see them get close to the fire and then I'd step in and try to salvage their lives. That day, I unhooked the leash and my grown kids are free to go. They know I love them but I am not available for any more drama caused by their irrational behavior and their poor choices. I am starting to live a life where I actually laugh a lot, I smile a lot, I am a fun, kind, thoughtful, interesting person and I have a LOT to give.

This book gives you the reinforcement you need wherever you presently are on your road to 'recovery'. I can honestly say that I have never read a book on this subject that so captivates me - every single page has reinforcement or encouragement or useful suggestions or motivation on how to make life begin again for YOU and also for the grown child who is getting ready to find out that it is time for him/her to grow up and take responsibility for their own decisions. I'm smiling as I write this because I know I'll never go back to those days and I have great hope for my son and step-daughter. They are in the shock stage right now - we're watching for signs that they will catch the next wind and soar like eagles. If they don't soar the first time, we'll be happy with just a flapping of wings. But they're going back to their OWN nest this time.

GREATEST OF GREAT BOOKS FOR THE PARENT WHO IS AGONIZING OVER THEIR GROWN KIDS CHOICES!