Product Description

While in the midst of confusion and the personal anguish of infidelity in a marriage, there is something couples need to know—there is hope; marriages can heal; the authors of this book are living proof. More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver confessed to his wife, Mona, about a three-year affair, as well as a one-night stand. Though the impact of that confession was devastating, it wasn’t the end of their marriage. In their deepest despair, Gary and Mona wanted to know a real couple whose marriage had survived infidelity. They wanted desperately for someone—someone who had been in that situation—to say to them, "You can get through this and learn to trust again!" But they could find no couple willing to be that vulnerable.

This is why the Shrivers have opened the pages of their lives and hearts to hurting couples everywhere. In Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity Gary and Mona each share, from their own perspectives, the impact of adultery on their family, the strength they found in their faith, what it takes to endure, the importance of communication and forgiveness, and so much more. With the Shrivers’ help, couples can learn to move beyond crisis to a place where they can renew their hope, rebuild their trust, and ultimately, restore their marriages!

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #77451 in Books
• Published on: 2005-04-15
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 224 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Ten years ago, Gary Shriver dropped the marital equivalent of an atomic bomb on his wife, Mona. Within hours of being confronted by a co-worker and subsequently admonished by his pastor, Shriver confessed to a three-year adulterous affair with his wife's close friend. As a Christian, Mona, though completely stunned and devastated, hung onto the frailest of threads that their marriage might be saved because Gary was both repentant and wanted reconciliation. Despite their commitment to rebuild their relationship, Mona courageously admitted to less than selfless motives for not seeking an immediate divorce. First, there was pride, as Mona writes that she was proud of their marriage. Second, there was more pride, as she feared people would view her very likable husband as the "better one" in the marriage, thus understanding or even excusing Gary's infidelity. Finally, she hadn't anywhere to go. In characteristic fashion, the Shrivers describe their marital journey before, during and after the affair in brutally transparent diary-like essays. They tell of their decisions, their grief and their eventual healing, found not so much within the confines of the church but from what they believed was God's own merciful hand. This hopeful and constructive guide may offer exactly what troubled Christian couples require as they attempt to transform the bitterest of betrayals to trust. (May)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Customer Reviews

Recommended for betrayed Christian spouses
Earlier this year, I discovered that my wife had been unfaithful to me while I was mobilized for duty in Afghanistan. To make matters worse, the man she had an affair with is a member of her church. With nowhere to turn after the affair was revealed, I discovered this book and found it very helpful. Because of the facts surrounding my particular experience, Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity had some good points to make about how the born-again church interacts with the faithful spouse, the unfaithful spouse and the lover, since Gary's and Mona's experience with the affair and its consequences is written from an evangelical perspective and Gary's "other woman" was also a member of their church. However, because I am not a Christian and therefore not a member of my wife and her lover's congregation (Assembléia de Deus), some parts of the book were not applicable to me, particularly the parts that quoted and interpreted scriptural passages. And, although the book is excellent at describing the principals' emotions, it is a little short on how trust is actually rebuilt after an affair. It also jumps around in time, which weakens the book's underlying promise of demonstrating how trust is rebuilt after an affair.

But overall, for those betrayed spouses going through this very painful experience, particularly Christian spouses, this is a good book to read. Some of the most important points the book brings out are:

* Although you may not have been the ideal spouse, nothing ever justifies your spouse having an affair (p 72).

* The possibility of an affair frequently begins with the unfaithful spouse's anger at the faithful spouse (p 76).

* Absolute honesty from the unfaithful spouse is essential to rebuilding trust, even though short-term it causes more hurt (pp 88, 90, 136). Only with a proven track record of honesty over time can trust be rebuilt.

* The ability to deceive -- lie convincingly -- is a huge part of the destruction an affair causes (pp 95, 115). I know this personally because of the devastating effect my wife's post-affair lying had on me when I confronted her with the name of her lover and accused her of the affair. She looked me right in the eye and said "Juro por Deus que não tive um caso com ele" ("I swear to God I didn't have an affair with him"), even though I had just read an IM between the two of them where she had written about what their child would have looked like if she had became pregnant by him ("imagina so...daqui a 9 mêses nascendo uma/um menino/a com um cabelo mas crespinho e mas moreninho...que graça?!!!!").

* A marriage where adultery has occurred is more likely to have adultery occur again, the "oneness" of the marriage having been destroyed (p 97).

* Betrayed spouses should be very careful about the people they tell (p 110).

* Rebuilding trust involves avoiding all situations where there can be even a hint of deception (p 129) and requires having the unfaithful spouse answer any question the faithful spouse asks (p 136).

* If you're the betrayed spouse, and you're bored with thinking about or talking about the affair, then you've reached an important milestone to recovery (p 138).

* It is normal to want to know every detail possible about the affair -- dates, times, clothes, locations, emotions (p 140).

* To prevent a recurrence of an affair, if you're a married man, never be alone with a woman; if you're a married woman, never be alone with a man (pp 193-194). If only my wife had followed this advice from the beginning!

* "Forgiveness is not trust. These are two separate issues" (p 159). Personally, I think can eventually forgive my wife, since I too have felt the desire to cheat. Even though I've never acted on that desire, I've been much more receptive to it than having it be a simple passing thought. As for regaining my trust -- that is another matter and will take years.

I am normal for feeling this way!
This is a great book about a couple who have been through what my husband and I are currently going through. They describe in detail their feelings at the time of the discloser of the affair. I could relate to her feelings and share them better with my husband and he could do the same for me. We were able to open up more with each other. Someone else has been there and survived - there is hope!

Hope
When you thought you were the only one going through the pains of infidelity, this book is an aid and comfort! It presents the anguish of both parties involved and does not gloss over any emotion that either person experiences. The timetable helped a lot as well as the expression of turmoil that adultery has on both parties. The book gives hope to those couples that are, and have, chosen to use God's help to restore their marriage. Truly a gift of a book!