Product Description

Finally in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that has fundamentally changed the way children of divorce see themselves as adults -- updated with a new preface by the author.

Divorce is at once a widespread reality and a painful decision, so it is no surprise that this landmark study of its long-term effects should both spark debate and find a large audience.

In this compelling, thought-provoking book, Judith Wallerstein explains that, while children do learn to cope with divorce, it in fact takes its greatest toll in adulthood, when the sons and daughters of divorced parents embark on romantic relationships of their own. Wallerstein sensitively illustrates how children of divorce often feel that their relationships are doomed, seek to avoid conflict, and fear commitment. Failure in their loving relationships often seems to them preordained, even when things are going smoothly. As Wallerstein checks in on the adults she first encountered as youngsters more than twenty-five years ago, she finds that their experiences mesh with those of the millions of other children of divorce, who will find themselves on every page.

With more than 100,000 copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Denver Post bestseller lists. The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #45765 in Books
• Published on: 2001-09-19
• Released on: 2001-09-19
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 400 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780786886166
• Condition: NEW
• Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
• Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

Customer Reviews

A must-read!
This book is the latest in a series of books written by Wallerstein about children and divorce. It provides excellent insights into what children are going through. As the child of divorce myself, I found myself thinking "YES" when reading each page. Her observations about what kids are feeling were brilliant and right on target. It's an uncomfortable book -- many parents won't want to know what they're putting their children through, and children won't want to live again through feelings that they might very well not wish to examine. Nevertheless, this is an absolute must-read for anyone who cares about a child of divorce. Since adults are so much more articulate and well-connected than children, it is often only their perspectives that are heard when divorce is discussed. But children must be heard too! Wallerstein's comparisons of the children of divorce and the children of "intact" families who grew up in the same neighborhoods is also invaluable, highlighting the unique problems children of divorce face. I recommend that anyone who finds this book useful should also read THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD and THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY. Both books deal with similar themes, and can be similarly useful in dealing with children of divorce, adult children of divorce, or adult children of dysfunctional families.

Myth #1 - The Children Will Do Fine
Having suffered through an unwanted divorce twenty years ago, and having taken on the full responsibility for raising my two children (ages 10 and 13 at the time), "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" was a welcomed book by me and my children.

My children have continued to experience divorce related issues as they have moved into adulthood. Maturity, relationships, marriage, and parenting have been catalysts for the emergence of feelings that were buried and denied. Judith Wallerstein's excellent book provides the context and structure for my adult children to explore and understand their "new" feelings (and behaviors) enabling them to move-on, happier and emotionally healthier.

My children, their spouses, and I have all read "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." We have and will continue to use the book as a resource in our on-going effort to get closure. We have all come to understand that the feelings and behaviors that are surfacing are not unique but, rather, are quite "normal" for children of divorce. This has been of great comfort for them - allowing them to cleanse the shadows of divorce and move forward with greater confidence that they are not weird.

Wallerstein has conducted a longitudinal research study of divorce dating back to the late 1970's. "Unexpected Legacy" is the third and most recent book based on the study. In previous books, she has studied the effects of divorce, not only on children, as she has in this book, but also on the divorcing parents. All of the books are "must reads" for those who are considering divorce or have divorced.

Over the years, I have had a number of people confide in me that either they or their spouses were considering divorce. My advice has always been to read Wallerstein's series to learn the variety of outcomes that can arise post-divorce and the strategies of those who faired best. Those considering divorce are all well advised to "do their homework."

These books are also a must read for anyone involved in family and/or divorce counseling - religious or secular counselors.

In "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," the authors address the myth that the children will do fine if the parents are happy - divorced. Children, no matter how amicable and settled the parents are after divorce, suffer greatly. They lose their family, they lose control of their life (to the whims of parents and rules of courts), and they lose their childhood. All of these combine to provide a series of struggles as they move into adulthood and beyond.

Important subject areas covered in this book include:
* The ghosts of childhood - the bottomline after 25 years
* The exploitation of children by divorcing parents
* The development path to adulthood being thrown out of sync
* Pushing a child's real feelings and thoughts underground by being busy
* Children trapped by real feelings and thoughts of the break-up
* Children dealing with the loss of THEIR nuclear family; the family that created them just vanishing - a loss that will be quietly or openly mourned throughout their lives.
* Why children turn on a parent(s) years later
* Children living with and coping with chaos
* Children and low self-esteem
* The missing father or mother after divorce
* Children growing up lonely
* Relationships with the "steps" (step-parents)
* The loss of mom - whether or not she is physically available
* Court ordered visitation and its disruption of a "real" life for the children to make mom and dad complete
* Children of divorce taking the leap in relationships and marriages - the return of the relationship ghost
* The role of an intact family for modeling and shaping children whether their parents marriage is filled with joy, or loveless, or abusive
* Other residues of divorce for children - fear of loss, fear of change, fear that disaster will strike, especially when things are going well
* And the need for all involved in divorce, directly or indirectly, to be educated on all the issues that emanate from the divorce for children over their life as well as in the short term.

This will not be an easy read for many. It was not intended to be. Nevertheless, the journey this book provides will be fruitful.

I recommend this and Wallerstein's other books highly. These are an important books which will not diminish in value over time. These are classics.

Gem Of A Book For Those Facing Or Involved With Divorce !
The brand new 352 page book really spells out with great insight how children are affected by divorce. Written by a true authority in the field, Dr. Wallerstein's book should be required reading for parents in troubled marriages. Kids of such marriages are OWED this information. Through her many interviews with children of divorced parents, she has learned how they really feel, how they react to divorce and how it has affected their own married lives and their children years later. Just a few of the topics covered include: When a Child Becomes the Caregiver, What If They'd Stayed Together- and What If They Can't, Family Ties, Growing Up Lonely, Court-Ordered Visiting, the Child's View, The Stepfamily, and much, much more. Dr. Wallerstein shows how many children of divorced parents actually overcome their fears and sorrows, and become loving partners and parents. Of great importance is her coverage of whether parents should stay unhappily married or to divorce, a question routinely faced by couples. This is a great book that should be read not only by parents, but all of those dealing with potential divorce situations. A very important book, that can only help the situation.