Product Description

Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as:

• How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler
• Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money
• Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let’s be honest—a no-talent loser
• How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider
• An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)
• Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate
• How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating
• Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one
• How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any
• Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death
• And many, many pictures of Suze Orman

But that’s only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don’t have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics (“Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot”). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can’t afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.


What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you.

Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you’ll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.


What is your annual income?
1. More than $50,000.
2. Less than $50,000.
3. However much I get when I return these empties.

Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?
1. Less than $10,000.
2. More than $10,000.
3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.

How would you describe your portfolio?
1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.
2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.
3. My what?

When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?
1. The amount of return.
2. The degree of risk.
3. The name of the jockey.

How do you plan to finance your retirement?
1. Savings.
2. Social security.
3. Sale of kidneys.

—from the Introduction: “Why You Need This Book”


Also available as a Crown eBook.


From the Hardcover edition.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #63698 in Books
• Published on: 2006-12-26
• Released on: 2006-12-26
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 240 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780307351005
• Condition: NEW
• Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
• Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

From Publishers Weekly
After tackling such varied topics as marriage, sex, home ownership and Japan, Barry invests his jocular style in lampooning the wealth of personal finance guides out there. Mocking these books in format and tone, Barry addresses such important fiscal matters as the workings of the U.S. economy ("the U.S. workforce is engaged in the service economy, consisting of 83 million people in cubicles furtively sending and receiving personal e-mails"), how to get a job ("prove to a prospective employer that you possess the skill and knowledge necessary to string meaningless hyphenated buzzwords together into sentence fragments") and talking to your children about money ("explain to your child that if he buys lemonade from some other kid's stand, then happens to choke on a lemon seed, then you would be in a position to sue the other kid's parents for thousands of dollars"). Barry's satire will have readers laughing at themselves and at high-profile targets like Donald Trump, Alan Greenspan and Suze Orman. Some material, particularly his insights on dealing with spouses or his ideas for innovative pet products, will be familiar to fans, but it will hardly keep them from enjoying another humorous sendup that's right on the money. B&w photos. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist
After mining politics and the differences between the sexes, Barry turns his sharp wit to finance and economics. If you think finance is a subject so dry that even he couldn't make it humorous, think again. He starts with personal finances, cautioning readers about the dangers of credit cards and how a charge of $1.50 can turn into $386.52 by the time the bill arrives. He goes on to lambaste corporate bigwigs who lose money by the millions and come up with preposterously bad ideas, such as the Pontiac Aztek (a car Barry finds hideous), or newspapers that try to appeal to young people when, as Barry points out, young people just do not read newspapers. Insurance is another pitfall, Barry warns, as most useful procedures, such as surgery, aren't covered. Barry cracks a few jokes at baby boomers' expense even as he gives boomers tips for how to cut college costs by encouraging their children to get mediocre grades so that they attend less prestigious (and therefore less expensive) schools. He is one of the funniest writers around, and his new book is hilarious. Kristine Huntley
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Review
"A book so funny it may be dangerous to your health."
– Janet Maslin, New York Times

“Read this book. It will make you laugh.”
—Washington Post


From the Hardcover edition.

Customer Reviews

Funny as always
I'm almost always amused by Dave Barry's books. Some of his humor is a bit juvenile but overall his books are generally worth the money. This one was no different and there were several laugh-out-loud sections, particularly when he discussed purchasing a car and his opinion of several cars, including the Aztek (the "Buttmobile"). His vision of the corporate world was also hilarious to me as I was one of the many individuals who suffered when Coca-Cola decided to change its formula; I mean, what were they thinking??? The Suze Orman shtick got a bit old but overall this book was well worth my time.

Funnier than Karl Marx...Smarter than a monkey
Sadly enough, Barry makes more sense than most of the economics professors, money managers, and state financial officials who I have met. Barry is indeed smarter than a monkey and funnier than Karl Marx. In the financial world, these are two wonderful qualities! His analysis of Social Security only has one major flaw, a better job than our federal friends have done, although I am sure he did not intend to be accurate. Frankly, pointy headed economics instructors should make this title required reading. Although most economic students are too boring to laugh, their boyfriends/girlfriends might get it. As difficult a task as it is to be funny throughout an entire book, Barry does a good job. Think about it. Who would you rather have telling you how to manage your money: some certified money flushing financial planner, or Dave Barry? Yipes! Watch out for the squirrels!

Very funny guide that spoofs financial advice!
How do you plan to finance your retirement?

1. Savings
2. Social Security
3. Sale of kidneys

You need to be honest in your answer. If you lie, you'll only
be lying to yourself. And, according to advice given
in DAVE BARRY'S MONEY SECRETS (from which this question
was taken), "The place to lie in on your federal tax return."

This is a very funny guide that spoofs much of the personal
financial advice that can be found in other books, TV shows
and online . . . save your money on them; buy this one
instead . . . you may not get rich if you do, but you will
certainly laugh a lot.

Barry has previously written on such other topics as politics, fitness
and parenting . . . I enjoyed those, but this latest one may well be
his very best--especially because it will make you wonder why
people behave the way they do when it comes to money.

For example, in the above quiz, he states, "That if your answers
are all threes [on all the questions], be advised that we're having
a minor technical problem calculating your score because of
Nigerian red tape. To smooth things out, we need you to send
us an 'advance fee' of $5,000, which you will get back many
times over."

The amazing thing is that many people do just that!

There were many other hilarious tidbits; among them:
* Many children learn about money by starting their own businesses,
the classic example being the sidewalk lemonade stand. This is an
opportunity to teach your child fundamental economic principles.
I'm not suggesting that you encourage your child to have a lemonade
stand; that's WAY too much work. I'm suggesting that you
explain to your child that if he buys lemonade from some other
kid's stand, and then happens to choke on a lemon seed, they you
would be in a position to sue the other kid's parents for thousands
of dollars. That is what I mean by "fundamental economic principles."

* One way to take money is in the form of traveler's checks. The way
these work is, you give a traveler's check company a bunch of money,
and the traveler's check company gives you some checks. You cash
some of these checks on your trip, and when you get home you put
the rest of them in the back of your sock drawer for safekeeping, and then
you forget all about them. Eventually you die, and the traveler's check
company gets to keep the money you paid for the uncashed checks
forever.

And this final one that--while presented in a humorous fashion--makes
much sense at least to me:

*Presidential Election Campaign Fund checkoff box: If you check this
box, $3 of your taxes will be earmarked for a special fund to pay for
presidential campaigns. Notice that the government does not permit
you to earmark money for poor people, or sick people, or national
defense. No, the government permits you to earmark money only
for the purpose of enabling politicians to produce TV commercials
designed to appeal to voters who have the IQ of a Vienna sausage.
To make matters worse, some of this federal campaign money goes
to candidates who have about as much chance of getting elected
president as SpongeBob SquarePants. In 2004, of example, more than
$800,000 of earmarked U.S. taxpayer dollars went to Lyndon LaRouche,
a convicted felon and complete space loon who has been running
for president since 1980, and who has claimed, among other things,
that Walter Mondale was a Soviet agent and Queen Elizabeth II is
a drug dealer. If you check the Presidential Election Campaign Fund box,
it won't affect the amount of tax you owe, but I will lose all respect
for you.