Product Description

Born eighth in a family on its way to becoming almost twice that size, Stephen Zanichkowsky immediately learned that his life was not going to be easy. Instead, he and his siblings fended for themselves to avoid the wrath of their father and the heartbreaking emotional distance of their mother. Silence and terror ruled. A brother was taken away by the family one day, never to return. A sister was born with a mental deficiency that was never explained. As the years went by, each child left home as soon as he or she turned 18, creating unaccustomed "space" by skipping the others' weddings and graduations. Here, Zanichkowsky embarks on a journey back to the family's Lithuanian Catholic roots in Brooklyn and follows its members on a tortured climb to suburban comfort that, for him, culminates in his escape from home and the draft. Along the way, he seeks answers to lifelong questions: why was his father so angry and uncontrollable?; and why did his parents continue to have children when they didn't have enough love, patience, or money to spread around? Forty years later after leaving home, Zanichkowsky reaches out to his siblings - most of them divorced or living alone - and discovers a group of people still learning how to form relationships with others. In the process, the boy that once retreated into his own world emerges, whole and self-possessed.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #1146953 in Books
• Published on: 2003-05-13
• Released on: 2008-10-20
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 256 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Those who grow up with only one or two siblings may sometimes gaze longingly at large, unwieldy families, believing that with multitude comes mirth, and that these big clans lead a zesty, Cheaper by the Dozen kind of life. Zanichkowsky's wrenchingly honest account of being one of 14 children neatly destroys those rosy misconceptions. He artfully describes his place as eighth in a seemingly endless line of children born to a hotheaded father and an overwhelmed mother, and how, despite the nearness of so many allies, the children grew up feeling emotionally isolated and ready to drift apart. As evidence of this, only one photograph of the whole family exists, and it was stuck in a drawer soon after being taken, discovered only after the death of both parents. The children still yearn for the image of a whole family, as Zanichkowsky writes: But we treasure the picture anyway; because it grants us the illusion, or promise, or memory, of family. Only after decades of little contact with his siblings does he reach out to the rest of the brood, finding kinship with people who, like him, have difficulty relating to others or forming strong relationships. With the inclusion of this attempt to finally connect, Zanichkowsky elevates this memoir from a tale of childhood hell into a full, rich picture of what it's like to be one among many. His writing is so straightforward and candid that it takes on a kind of intimacy while describing alienation, like a friend whispering into another's ear about how hard it is to live alone.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
This is a disturbing memoir of neglect and abuse by freelance writer Zanichkowsky, who was the eighth of 14 children born into a Lithuanian Catholic household in Brooklyn. His father, who had been disowned by his own father, was a self-made man. Too proud to accept his own mother's offer to help with the children, he left his young wife to cope with the chaotic household. Fourteen pregnancies and two miscarriages broke her health and her spirit, leaving her with no emotional resources, and the children had to fend for themselves. The inevitable childhood crises and arguments were settled with beatings. The Zanichkowsky children learned to shoplift, lie, and blame one another at an early age. Seemingly, the goal for each child was to escape the household as soon as possible. Forty years later, after the deaths of his father, mother, and one older brother, the author reaches out to his remaining brothers and sisters. The resulting memoir is a dark, deeply unsettling look at family life, and it cries out for a sequel. Recommended for libraries with large memoir sections. Pam Kingsbury, Florence, AL
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist
When the author was born, in 1952, he was his parents' eighth child. Eventually, there would be six more for a total of 14 born between 1943 and 1961. What was it like, being one person in a small army of kids? How did they get along, with a father who was both demanding and inattentive and an overwhelmed mother unable to devote one-on-one time to any of her children? Well, it wasn't easy. Written in a straightforward, unadorned style, this unusual memoir generates an emotional intensity almost imperceptibly, until we feel utterly caught up in the chaos of Zanichkowsky's very big family. Some of the author's brothers and sisters, in a mad attempt to do something all on their own, turned to shoplifting or stealing from friends and schoolmates; eventually, the kids moved out as fast as they could, sometimes marrying just so they could get a place of their own. And yet, despite their constant attempts to get away from one another, the children developed a bond. An unsentimental and unflinchingly honest memoir. David Pitt
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Customer Reviews

Surviving
I am so impressed that the author has been able to look back on so many painful things in his past and share those, both with his siblings and readers of this book. He is a great example of how we can find compassion and respect towards people we could otherwise continue to hate, fear, avoid, or undermine. I think in a very responsible and caring way, Mr.Zanichkowsky has been able to salvage some positive connections between he and his family. That he can write so articulately about the torment he endured as a child and his still-present personal fears and needs resulted in a powerful book with insights that could help others. I think he is due a great deal of thanks and a lot of credit for daring to talk about "family secrets" so many people would rather choose to deny. The review titled "Quit Your Whining" is that defensive kind of reaction. There is absolutely nothing mean-spirited about this story because it is in fact the opposite, very sensitive. Ironically, all the insults that reviewer accused the author of are actually what the reviewer is doing, sounding angry, bitter, insulting, and mean-spirited. The story of "Fourteen" is the personal journey of one person choosing not just to survive but thrive. I'm impressed.

brutally insightful glimpse into family dynamics
Zanichkowsky has written a searingly honest and painfully amusing account of growing up in an enormous family. The rivalries, hatreds and of course compassion spawned by their overcrowded home illuminates not just truths about the author but about all families. Mr. Zanichkowsky has somehow alchemized his pain into biting humor and insight. Furthermore, the book is simply a wonderful read. I can't wait to read more from this author.

Nature or nurture?
The first thing to say is that this is superb writing. The description of the church on page 2 and the breakup of ice on the Hudson on page 256 are among the finest pieces of English prose I've read.
Of course these memoirs of terrible childhoods demand to be judged by other criteria. One problem is always whether they are true. This seems to have good collateral confirmation. An unique feature is the sympathetic attempt to understand the characters and motivations of the abusers, although at the end they remain inscrutable behind the shielding mask of religious fanaticism.
Did these children all get [messed] up? If they did was their parents fault? Is there some natural inborn resilience? Was the fact of being fourteen abusive in and of itself?
Of the two children who emerged with major psychiatric problems, one was brain-damaged and the other was away from the home for five years. Jimmy. the second of these, remains a mystery.
Were the writer's problems due to his parents? Is he that messed up a human being anyway? (A licensed electrician, furniture maker and carpenter who is a well-reviewed published writer sounds pretty successful). There's a lot of questions in there. I don't pretend to answer them, and the book doesn't answer them all, but it gives insights into them that are well worth reading.
One minor question, which may be irrrelevant. Why did the parents speak Lithuanian to each other when the father was a Russian Orthodox Ukrainian?