Product Description

"Birthdays may be difficult for me."

"I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family."

"When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me."

"I am afraid you will abandon me."

The voices of adopted children are poignant, questioning. And they tell a familiar story of loss, fear, and hope. This extraordinary book, written by a woman who was adopted herself, gives voice to children's unspoken concerns, and shows adoptive parents how to free their kids from feelings of fear, abandonment, and shame.

With warmth and candor, Sherrie Eldridge reveals the twenty complex emotional issues you must understand to nurture the child you love--that he must grieve his loss now if he is to receive love fully in the future--that she needs honest information about her birth family no matter how painful the details may be--and that although he may choose to search for his birth family, he will always rely on you to be his parents.

Filled with powerful insights from children, parents, and experts in the field, plus practical strategies and case histories that will ring true for every adoptive family, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is an invaluable guide to the complex emotions that take up residence within the heart of the adopted child--and within the adoptive home.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #6174 in Books
• Published on: 1999-10-12
• Released on: 1999-10-12
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 240 pages

From Library Journal
As both an adoptee and president of Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Eldridge brings an original approach to the topic of adoption. In an attempt to inform adoptive parents of the unique issues adoptees face, she discusses adoptee anger, mourning, and shame and adoption acknowledgment while using case studies to illustrate how parents can better relate to their adopted child. This book is solidly written but not without its flaws; most importantly, it lacks information concerning child development, e.g., whether parents should use the same approach to questions with a three-year-old as with a 14-year-old. Still, this book will go well in any collection dealing with adoption, complementing David M. Brodzinsky's Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self (Anchor, 1993) and Joyce Maguire Pavao's The Family of Adoption (Beacon, 1998).AMee-Len Hom, Hunter Coll. Lib., New York
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Foster W. Cline, M.D., internationally acclaimed child and adult psychiatrist and co-author of PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC
As a psychiatrist who has worked with dozens of adoptive families, and as an adoptive father myself, I can appreciate the sensitivity, understanding, common sense, and helpful suggestions given in this book. Sherrie has thrown the light of appreciation and understanding on the unique issues that often lie buried in the corners of adoptees' lives.

Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., founder/director of the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio and co-author of ADOPTING THE HURT CHILD
What a useful book! Sherrie Eldridge has illuminated many issues adoptees and adoptive families face. Many books have addressed problems in adoption, but Eldridge tackles the real villain: unresolved loss and grief issues and the trauma that precedes all adoptions. [This book] is a gift to everyone involved in adoption. Eldridge's personal disclosures add a level of warmth and genuineness and yet do not overshadow her message but rather focus and heighten it. I am adding this book to my list of highly recommended books.

Customer Reviews

Not Really Twenty Ideas
Sherrie Eldridge, who was adopted as an infant, shares her insights about the deep-felt loss and guilt that can be part of the adoption experience. This was not always an easy book to read, especially in my role as a soon-to-be adoptive dad, but there were some powerful lessons here, as well as a wealth of ideas about parenting.

At the core of this book is the idea of grief and mourning. Whether conscious or not, adopted children have suffered a loss, and they Eldridge believes that it is necessary for this loss to be grieved in order for true emotional integration to take place.

Eldridge draws from a variety of sources, including books and studies on adoption, as well as interviews with many adopted persons, adoptive parents, and (to a lesser extent) birth parents. She includes insights from counselors and therapists who have helped their patients work through adoption-related issues.

The research is extensive, but mostly anecdotal in nature. The author's ideas make sense, but are not always backed up, and it's easy to fall into the trap of simply attributing every behavior or feeling to adoption-related issues. That being said, the parenting advice in this book is quite good, and it definitely raises questions that might not be immediately obvious for those interested in becoming adoptive parents.

The "twenty things" probably could have been cut down to about eight or so, since many of them are restatements of the same basic ideas. Still, there are plenty of ideas and concepts in this book that are definitely worth reflecting on.

A good book, but I wish it was even better
As my husband and I consider adoption we are reading as much as we can to insure that our future child is raised with all of the tools necessary to be a healthy, happy human. While this book provides good insights into what adopted children may go through, I felt that the book was really designed for people who have not given much thought to the adoption process and it's effect on a family. While I don't want to go into parenting with rose colored glasses, I often felt that the book was negative toward the process. It seemed that the author thought that her experience as an adoptee was universal. I know many happy, well adjusted adoptees. I am still looking for the book that deals with the issues adopted kids (and their parents) will face, but that isn't condescending in tone. We have not adopted yet, so I do not know how I will feel about this type of book once I am actually mothering an adopted child, but for now this book was not exactly what I was looking for.

Depressing, and Discouraging
My husband and I are in the middle of the adoption process, and this book was so dark and depressing that I could not get through it. It makes adoption out to be a terrifying, wounding experience that the adoptee will never get over. In addition, it made me as a prospective adoptive mother feel horrible and guilty for wanting to adopt a baby. Books like this will keep people from adopting and will prevent birth mothers from forming adoption plans.
In fairness, it does highlight some important issues surrounding adoption, but it does so in such a dark way that it left me feeling helpless and unsure of what I am doing. I cannot recommend this book to anyone who is considering adoption. DO NOT READ THIS BOOK!!!!!!