Product Description

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to find the courage to call it quits.



Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more pain than joy?  Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to your dismay, you hang on.  You are addicted--to a person.  Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the split.  Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard Helpern explains to you:



Why you can get addicted to a person.



Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it.")



How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.



How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold you.



Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."



How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.



How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.


From the Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #4982 in Books
• Published on: 2003-12-30
• Released on: 2003-12-30
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 272 pages

From the Publisher
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the split. Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard Helpern explains to you:

Why you can get addicted to a person.

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it.")

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.

How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.

Inside Flap Copy
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to find the courage to call it quits.



Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more pain than joy?  Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to your dismay, you hang on.  You are addicted--to a person.  Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the split.  Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard Helpern explains to you:



Why you can get addicted to a person.



Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it.")



How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.



How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold you.



Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."



How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.



How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.


From the Paperback edition.

About the Author
Howard M. Halpern received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Columbia University in 1954. He taught at Columbia and other colleges and has been a consultant, clinical psychologist, and psychotherapist at several New York colleges and clinics. He was the codirector of the New York Student Consultation Center and is a past president of the American Academy of Psychotherapists.

Dr. Halpern has practiced psychotherapy in New York City for forty-eight years. His previous books include Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents and Finally Getting It Right. He also wrote a nationally syndicated newspaper column called "On Your Own". His appearances on national media include Donahue, The Today Show, 20/20, and CNN.

Customer Reviews

Excellent book to discover your "love addiction" issues, childhood issues and taking back your life!
This book by far was the key to me being able to break the pattern of unhealthy relationships. Love addiction, codenpendency is very real and very deep seeded. This book is the manual for learning how to identify why and how bad relationships keep happening..and how to break the addiction.

Excellent book !
I have been searching all over the internet for Dr. Halpern's contacts to send him a mail and thank him for this phenomenal book. "How to Break your Addiction to a Person" has completely changed my thinking about relationships and about the concept of "self." It made me realize that it is essentially a problem in ME (and not the guy I was dating) that perpetuated the problem. It's no use blaming a partner for being a bad person or a relationship for being a bad one, but that we have to understand the real reason why we can allow ourselves to remain in THAT relationship with THAT person. You can not change circumstance but you can change your own self and take some responsibility for your own life. The silly phosphoric cover illustration of the book really doesn't do it any justice and undermines the pivotal psychological concepts explained inside. I truly and honestly felt extremely empowered as I read though it. I was able to muster the strength to stay away from a man who was bringing much negativity into my life, but to whom I'd been attached for countless years. I keep reading and re-reading the book every time I feel drawn back to that person.

The book opened my eyes on several central ideas:

1)The concept of "attachment hunger" (how unsatisfied needs for attachment in our childhood linger with us as adults and resurface in our romantic partnerships). The mere awareness of this "hunger" allowed me to understand my scenario better and be more forgiving towards myself and more clear about how I will overcome my unhealthy addiction.

2) Addiction has nothing to do with a substance (drugs, alcohol or otherwise) but rather that the addicting element is a personality quality (it is within the person who is addicted). And yes, it has a lot to do with self-esteem and self-sufficiency. Both of which you can work on successfully.

3) Our concept of time changes when "attachment hunger" takes over. When we say things like "I will be alone forever" or I will be in "eternal pain," this stems from our infant perception of time. Consider ths example: "I told myself I would call her after an hour, but after three minutes, three very long minutes, I dialed again. I let the phone ring twenty times. I called every two minutes for the next hour, and each time I felt like an eternity had gone by. I looked at the stupid clock like it was mocking me, like it was stubbornly slowing down." Now compare this excerpt to the following infant experience: "He wants to be fed. He cries out. The response is not immediate. In adult time maybe it's three minutes before mum gets the bottle warmed up. But what is that in Infant Time? A century? An eon? A boundless amount of frustration spread over an incomprehensible dimension?" When you read through the chapter in the book that discusses Infant Vs. Adult Time, you will realize that often your infant perception of time is what makes you afraid you could be alone "forever" or experience "eternal" pain. It makes you realize that often your lose your sense of Adult Time and start to express your fears in Infant Time. No, says Dr. Halpern, be assured that there is a tomorrow. There is usually nothing in our appearance/character/life that is so unappealing as to make it likely that we will ALWAYS be rejected or will be alone FOREVER. Those words (always and forever) distort our perceptions completely and make us hold on to a bad relationship because we are so afraid to be alone.

4) Being jealous over someone does not mean you love them. It is possible to feel jealousy towards someone you even dislike, based on two false beliefs: a) if someone else wants him, he must be better than I think and b) if he wants someone else, the other person must be better than me, and I am being dismissed because I am undesirable. Dr. Halpern explains why those two beliefs have no basis of truth and why they are founded on our attachment hunger needs.

5) We tend to fall into traps of rationalization, idealization and self-delusion and that a good rule of thumb is to take the other person'a frustrations at FACE VALUE rather than to do fancy mental gymnastics to explain it away.

6) Often we do not realize that the person in front of us is subtly controlling us through various tactics including power, weakness, servitude, guilt and jealousy. Dr. Halpern explains how you can recognize those tactics. Whilst reading the book, it dawned on me that my partner was ACTIVELY and CONSCIOUSLY using jealousy to keep me bound to him while I was too oblivious and taken away into the relationship to recognize his control tactics.

7) We become addicted to other people because we have a weak sense of SELF. We incorrectly believe that we will be insecure or lonely or unhappy without our attachment/association to that person we are addicted to. Dr. Halpern explains the importance of recognizing yourself as a mature, self-sufficient entity who can survive on its own and who needs to bond with a partner out of healthy love rather than complusion or false belief that we can not live without this person.

There is so so much more in the book. My explanation doesn't even begin to rival the clear, eloquent, beautiful way Dr. Halpern explains the concept of being addicted to a person. He is a terrific psychiatrist and a terrific writer. I enjoyed the book more than any other self-help title I have ever read. It shook me, moved me, and made me learn a lot about human relationships, attachment, love, jealousy, and self-esteem. The most important thing I came out with from this book is that the problem is not only that I dated a jerk....the bigger problem is this: what is it in myself that has allowed this problem to happen? I realized that it was time to work on ME and not just blame the partner I was with. Honestly, this is a fantastic book that will blow your mind and teach you a lot about your own self that you didn't even know....will definitely quell your addiction!

A classic that still rings true
I first read this book in the early 80's, highlighted it, worked through parts of it, and felt that it helped me tremendously. Over the years I've kept my original copy (which is now yellowed and stained) and I still return to it to remind myself of the truths which are so well presented. The material is clear, not condescending, and for those brave enough to put Dr. Halpern's recommendations into practice - invaluable! I can honestly say this little old paperback has changed my life for the better - more than once.