Product Description

Based on scientific research, this groundbreaking study from the frontiers of psychology and medicine offers startling new insight into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness. Through vivid examples (including his work with victims from both sides of Northern Ireland’s civil war), Dr. Fred Luskin offers a proven nine-step forgiveness method that makes it possible to move beyond being a victim to a life of improved health and contentment.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #12522 in Books
• Published on: 2003-02-01
• Released on: 2003-01-21
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 240 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, insists Fred Luskin in Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, nor does it mean condoning bad behavior. What it does mean is that you "take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell." Luskin, a practicing psychologist and cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, shows why forgiveness is important for mental and physical health, explains how to form a grievance and suggests practical steps for healing. He uses examples from his clinical practice including instances of broader cultural grievances like those between Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland in this solidly researched and convincing guide.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist
To forgive may be divine, according to Alexander Pope, but it is hardly easy. How do you forgive a hit-and-run driver, a boss who makes life unbearable, or a cheating spouse? Luskin says not only can you forgive such people but that for your own good mental and physical health, you must. The author is careful to make the distinction between forgiveness and condoning actions, forgetting them, or reconciling with the offender, all or some of which may not be possible. He says that over time we build up "grievances" against others on which we obsess and that make it impossible to get on with our lives. It is only through forgiveness that we can let go of the grievance, stop playing the role of victim, and move on. Through case studies, he indicates how we build up grievances and how they can block our happiness. He then describes the HEAL method of forgiveness, which stands for Hope, Educate, Affirm, and Long-term. Good practical advice for a very difficult task. Marlene Chamberlain
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Review
...one of the most helpful, practical, scientifically documented, books on forgiveness that I have ever read. -- Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D., Author of Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All

A practical and readable book that is bound to be of great help. -- Lewis Smedes, bestselling author of Forgive and Forget

A remarkable and essential book that is sure to become the gold standard. -- Kenneth Pelletier, Ph.D, M.D., Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of Maryland School of Medicine and University of Arizona and author of The Best Alternative Medicine: What Works? What Does Not?

Forgive For Good is an accessible and practical guide to learning the power of forgiveness. -- John Gray, Ph.D., author ofMen Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

I have read many books about forgiveness; this one is by far the best. -- Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Simply the best book on the subject. -- Michael Murphy, Co founder Esalen Institute Bestselling Author of Future of the Body, Golf in the Kingdom

Straightforward, sincere and essential, I recommend this book highly. -- Dave Pelzer, New York Times and International best-selling author of A Child Called It and Help Yourself

Customer Reviews

So-So
I do like the fact that the book says that reconciliation and forgiveness aren't the same thing. I also think renting space to grievances is not a good idea.

However, the book does miss a few things. For example, often a step to forgiving others is the ability to forgive yourself in the first place. I do believe that forgiveness often starts at home, rather with the other person. People blame others when they often can't forgive themselves.

The other problem is setting up realistic rules and expectations for yourself and others--I don't mean unenforceable rules, I mean if you are with an alcoholic, then what is a realistic expectation for yourself and others in the current time and situation.

He doesn't really talk about when the hurt is on-going in the present, he often talks about when the hurt has finished or is past. "It happened 10 years ago..." "It happened last month" But what about the instances where the person keeps hurting them in the present? What are reasonable expectations?

He also uses stories of reconciliation to argue for forgiveness which is odd. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. One should not argue for forgiveness using reconciliation.

He also had a logic flaw on the story about "Linda" and how her husband shouldn't be a liar. To me, people shout things at other people, but it's not the same as what they are feeling, but that's a nitpick. Definitely her rule was to get more affection from her husband, not that he should not lie.

He also doesn't do much about the process of denial...

So overall, this book is good for those whose hurts have ended. They are not good for hurts that are currently on-going--as in the person keeps hurting you as you interact with them. It does not tell how to set yourself up so there is a more positive outcome in the future--most of his stories say that his clients did this, however, he doesn't go into the process of it, just marking that forgiveness gave them the ability, but not seeing how to learn from those mistakes.

He doesn't really go into how to set a reasonable limitation versus an unenforceable rule.

For these faults, the book is fine for most things, but it does not really urge me to really want to suggest it or not suggest it to anyone. What do you do about a person who is not aware that they constantly hurt you in the here and now and you make it apparent to them, but they do nothing or can do nothing about it and don't make efforts towards it? This book isn't good for that sort of thing. If you want that, then look elsewhere.

highly recommended
If you are furious with someone and the anger is eating you, this is an excellent book to read. It talks about individuals who have faced betrayals, divorces, abuse and deaths, with crippling mental anguish and anger, who learn to move forward with their lives. The chapter with Irish mothers who lost a child is particularly moving. It examines the damage anger at someone does to you and how to move on--it is not a book about condoning any behavior, it is about letting go and moving forward. I found it extremely helpful!

Excellent, But Could Be More User-Friendly
I am finally recovering from a difficult breakup from a long term relationship. Two big things helped me: One was doing a final "spring cleaning" of all the things my ex gave me, items that were subconscious reminders that it didn't work out, and that my ex was now with someone else.

The other was this book, "Forgive for Good." It's an evidenced-based approach that will help your "planes to land" -- all those thoughts swirling in your head about what happened, why it hurt then, and how it still hurts. The examples in the book are about people who have moved on from some of the most hurtful, sad, and difficult situations imaginable.

This is not about absolving wrongdoing; it IS about helping you to stop spending so much brainpower on it. I can tell you that after spending a weekend reading the book, taking notes, and doing the exercises, I looked outside, and the world looked like a different, better place.

My one complaint about the book is that it was hard for me to see the sequence of steps that would, in the end, help me to move beyond the place where I was stuck. At times the book was repetitive and the connections between steps in the process were a little unclear -- it could have used some graphics, bulleted lists, and editing to make it more user-friendly. I am sharing my own distillation here. But do get the book, as it will flesh this out, and the examples will help you to feel that you are not alone in this journey.

The book points out that a big reason why we feel hurt is because we all have "unenforceable rules" that we expect others to uphold. They may be basic rules, such as, if you're my partner, you should be honest and open with me. Regardless, it's not in our power to make other people behave the way we want to.

When people break our unenforceable rules, we "write tickets," that is, we get mad, frustrated, and hurt. Even though the events happened in the past, we can hurt in the here and now.

If you want that hurting to stop, and land the planes, the book tells you what do. This is *my* adaptation, which may not be the precise steps the author had in mind, but it worked beautifully for me:

AT THE HURT POINT - the moment you realize you're remembering a hurt and going down that familiar path--

1) STOP and ASK: What was the unenforceable rule that I was trying to enforce, and that I am still holding on to? (Ex: My partner should have ....)

2) CHANGE your thinking about what was a *demand* to a *desire*: Change "he/she should have ..." to "I wished or hoped that he/she would have ..." All we can do is hope -- we can't demand that people behave or feel a certain way. When you change your demand to a desire, it is a reminder that we are not in charge of others' behavior. This is liberating.

3) Take two deep belly breaths, and on the third, summon a tranquil scene or a peaceful feeling of gratitude. Hold that thought for a little while continuing to breathe deeply. (The book gives you guidance on how to practice this ahead of time. It makes a difference. You can choose to focus more on the things that ARE working in your life.)

4) Repeat the "HEAL" process - Although the book suggests this is an "advanced" activity, I found it helpful right from the beginning. Tell yourself the following:

H - state what you HOPED for -- the specific, small goal (Ex: I wished the relationship w/ X would have worked out)

E - EDUCATE yourself about the limits in life and the impersonal aspects of the hurt (Ex: (a) Things don't always work out in life; (b) it's common that people get hurt; (c) people don't always *intend* to hurt you; and (d) sometimes people are incapable of behaving the way we want because of their own limitations)

A - AFFIRM the bigger goal. (With a relationship breakup, for example, the bigger goal would to have a loving, lasting relationship built on openness and trust - with *someone.* This specific past relationship was a flat tire along the way. These techniques help you fix the flat, and when you're ready, you can continue to drive down the road toward the bigger goal.)

L - LONG term commitment -- tell yourself you will repeat this process each and every time you have a thought about a past hurt, for as long as it takes.

I found this technique to be very helpful in countering all the negative thoughts that can come up after a breakup. For me, within a few days, the hurts didn't have the power they used to. After a couple of weeks, I felt that the past was finally behind me, instead of dogging my present. Give it a try -- and help your planes to land, too!