Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #2818 in Books
• Published on: 1997-07-01
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 304 pages

From Publishers Weekly
Trying to make the agonizing decision whether to get out of a troubled, potentially life-wrecking relationship is the specific ambivalence this book addresses. The reader is offered a focused way to deal with one critical issue at a time rather than sort endlessly through the whole messy bundle of emotional pros and cons. Kirshenbaum's expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions. The Boston psychotherapist, who does relationship counseling, offers a series of them, amplified with guidelines: "Power people poison passion"; "If your partner can't even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it's time to get out"; "If it never was very good, it'll never be very good." And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
For those struggling to decide if a relationship is worth trying to save, Kirshenbaum (clinical director, Chestnut Hill Inst.) knows the issues and explains them clearly, presenting 36 well-phrased and well-ordered diagnostic questions, giving examples, and then succinctly offering guidelines to follow. Those who give certain answers to the diagnostic questions will be faced not only with a realization of how deep the problems may be but also with Kirshenbaum's repeated admonitions that "most people who answered the question the way you did were happy they left and unhappy they stayed." Her emphatic prescriptions for such nuanced problems, as well as her promise that "new hope is now entirely realistic for you" and assurance that "there are definite answers for you here," should make most readers wary. But Kirshenbaum does caution that "nothing in the book overrules what a good therapist...might tell you," and she will help readers sort out ambivalent feelings about relationships. For larger public library collections.?Susan E. Burdick, Reading, Pa.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Customer Reviews

Finally...a concise, logical, tool
"Am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?" That question was keeping me awake nights. Let's face it, whether to end it or stay will impact every, single day for the rest of your life. You wouldn't be reading this book if you weren't having serious relationship problems, but let's be honest, you wouldn't be confused if the relationship were 100% bad. I think it is natural to think of most decisions as a weight scale with the good things on one side and the bad things on the other and try to figure out whether the bad is more than 50%. This book helped me understand that the balance scale approach is flawed. Once I realized that each person has their own list of "musts" and "core values" which must be present for sustained hapiness in a relationship and that when any "must have" is missing, it's best to leave---I got it. You know truth when you hear it and this is right. You cannot "fix" or "change" fundamental core traits in a mate...anymore than they can fix or change fundamental core traits in us. You can "fix" things like housekeeping skills, or schedule more time together, or go to parenting classes, but you can't realistically change many core elements of another person. They either have what you require, or they don't. If they don't, you're just making yourself and them miserable trying to change them, and you have little if no chance of being able to do so long-term. This book is pure logic, and it allowed me to determine how to make a logical decision that I would never worry about 2nd guessing later. I am not a strong-willed person by nature. I tend to make many decisions based on emotions. I am a "pleaser" who has a hard time saying "No." Without having read this book, I would still likely be wasting my life trying to "fix" the unfixable. This book gave me the understanding I needed to make a decision I understood was necessary and right for both of us. It gave me the resolve to hold firm with a healthy decision. Three years later, I am in a healthy relationship with a man I have no interest in changing or fixing. I thought all relationships had to be "hard work" and even emotionally painful at times. I was wrong. Once this book laid out the traits a life partner must have, I was able to spot traits that made me turn and run and also helped me spot a mate who had everything I needed. I think without this book, I might have dismissed him and not have recognized what an incredible person he is. I was married this year, and could not be happier. I attribute my strength in leaving the unhealthy relationship and the knowledge needed to spot and select a healthy relationship in large part to this book. Warning: do not read this book if you really want to stay in a bad relationship and wallow in self-pity.

Everyone Should Read This Book
Last summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman I considered my best friend. We've been trying to put our marriage back together, but as you can imagine it has not been an easy process. I love my husband deeply despite the affair, and I know he loves me, but with all the pain and damage between us it's hard to know what to do.

Recently, it had all begun to seem hopeless. All we do is fight. My days became consumed with wondering if I'd be better off just ending the marriage now. Then this weekend I was in the bookstore and came across this book. I spent the entire weekend reading it. This book is so helpful! It showed me that despite our problems, my marriage is still too good to leave. Underneath all the pain we're inflicting on each other currently, our marriage is still alive. There is a solid foundation that, if we can tap into it, should be able to get us through this.

This book also identified for me IN CLEAR TERMS exactly where our problems are coming from! And it made it clear to me that if we do not fix these problems, then this marriage WILL be too bad to stay in. But for now, there is still hope.

This book has given me exactly what I needed. Now I'm not wasting so much time thinking about leaving, when I could be investing that energy in making the marriage better. And now I know what line to draw in the sand to tell myself how I'll know if and when to leave.

I can't believe this book isn't more famous! Everyone should read this book! I wish I'd read it BEFORE my marriage got to the point where my husband had an affair. We could have saved ourselves years of pain and therapy!

A Must Have if you are headed for divorce/marriage in shambles
My best friend from college is headed towards divorce - as a friend - you want to help her - but what do I know about being married and having five kids - zilch. My cousin is having marital problems and mentioned this book - she said it was great. I remembered it - and I sent it to her hoping it would shed some light on a very painful subject. I got a txt from her a mere few days later telling me SHE LOVES THE BOOK!!! She said it is so immensely helpful, which coincidentally mirrored my cousins sentiments - it really makes you weigh both sides.

So while I can't personally say I know this books value - two people that I love very much - on two different coasts - LOVE IT! Order it now!