And this is what you should be wearing. You want to get his attention early in the morning? This will do it. This shows the promise of the V-Day to come. Lose the fishnet pantyhose, and hook up with a real black garter belt and sheer stockings. Don't forget the satin wrist gloves, in black or white. And a black velvet choker.

During the day, send him some wickedly filthy email, and leave him some similarly appropriately evocative voicemail. Promise him all that will be waiting when he gets home.

With one hand you give him the beer. With the other you give him this gift, to match the memory stick your gave him earlier. To record the more delightful aspects of the evening, the glorious stuff of future memory.

Drizzle a good amount of the oil all over the steak, and pierce the meat to get that oil inside. Save plenty for later, that is, if things work out the way they're supposed to.

Serve your man his meat with this side dish, and this alone. No salad! No other veggies! Buy these whole and fresh at the local market, and sautee them fast with butter and fresh-pressed garlic.

And with dinner over, it's shower time.

With your mutually enjoyable showertime now concluded, slip him into the perfectly prepared bed.

Pick a color he likes, but is also screamingly hot and out of your ordinary range. It's gotta match your outfit, and it can't be that cheapo crap that streaks and smudges and comes off with the slightest touch.

Long-lasting? Quick-drying? Base and top coats? Are we talking painting the house, the car, or Junior's Pinewood car? Who the hell cares, as long as it matches the rest and looks just mind-shatteringly hot.

Very nice, and it matches the earrings beautifully.

Well, duh.