Product Description

In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents' needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.

Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist, consultant, and trainer. She is known for her work with dysfunctional families, particularly with survivors of incest. Robert M. Pressman is the editor-in-chief and president of the Joint Commission for the Development of the Treatment and Statistical Manual for Behavioral and Mental Disorders.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #20109 in Books
• Published on: 1997-07-09
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 181 pages

Review
"The authors have skilfully presented an often difficult topic in an easy-to-read work which will be of value to helpers at any stage of their professional development." (Anglican Theological Review)

?So readable and chock full of understandable case examples that it demands to be shared with patients. It focuses on the conduct of parents and their children trying to make sense out of their chaotic lifestyles in search of love, self-esteem, acceptance, and inner peace. Its valuable insights can be potent reinforcers of the therapeutic experience.? (Jack G. Wiggins, Ph.D., past president, American Psychological Association)

?Such a find. The concept is an artful and practical synthesis that bears effective witness to the authors' depth of knowledge of contemporary psychotherapeutic literature.? (Joseph R. McCool, Ph.D., past president, Academy of Family Psychology)

?I believe that this book should be required reading for every family physician. It is a real eye opener for those physicians who routinely prescribe psychotropic medications without psychiatric input and without insisting on the patient's participation in therapy.? (Laurence Bouchard, D.O., past president, American Association of Doctors of Osteopathy)

From the Inside Flap
New Hope for Treating Adults Who Have Grown Up in Emotionally Abusive FamiliesIn this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents' needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.

From the Back Cover
New Hope for Treating Adults Who Have Grown Up in Emotionally Abusive Families
In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families— families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.

Customer Reviews

Finally! I've found the answer!
Thank heaven for this book! This book spoke to me on a very personal level. I would have never guessed that I come from a covertly Narcissistic family system. My family was perfect - or so it seemed from the outside (and even from the inside!). We never fought, we never argued, we never had disagreements. My parents told me and my brothers that they loved us. For 37 years, I believed the family myth. We were the perfect family.

But, the "perfect family" label never felt quite right to me. Even though I was told I was loved, I was also told that I "needed more attention" as a child, was a "difficult" teenager, and more recently that I have "emotional problems" (for daring to speak up about a glaring boundary issue). For years I even believed that I WAS a difficult kid until I started to remember my childhood. I remember my perfect father was an alcoholic who was largely absent and almost totally unavailable emotionally. I remember my mom insisted that we never express "negative" feelings. We were expected to always be positive and happy and if we weren't then we were chided for being selfish and ungrateful. If we were sad or disappointed, we were expected to "walk it off" and told that we should "stop crying" or they would "give us something to cry about". We were told that other (less well-adjusted and unhappy) people "just didn't get it" and we were instructed to pity those people.

How is it that a kid who gets good grades, is compliant and respectful, doesn't smoke, do drugs or have sex, and whose only goal is to go to college a difficult teenager? The answer is found in this book - that she lives in a dysfunctional family system that defines any small statement of independence as an act of disrespect.

In the book, the author defines the narcissistic family system - the "parent system" takes precedence over the "child system". Children raised in these families grow up to believe that they are wrong to experience fear, anger, sadness and frustration because their feelings are never validated. Instead, they are made to feel guilt and shame if they express any needs that conflict with the needs of the parents or are simply inconvenient for the parents. Speaking of my own situation, I even feel guilty writing this down because even mentioning it seems like a betrayal!

I have found out the hard way what happens if you threaten or disrupt the family myth. Not only do the parents punish you, but other family members are enlisted to keep you in line. Heaven help you if you stand up for yourself and decide to define yourself on your own terms. Heaven help you if you create reasonable boundaries to protect your husband and your children from their intrusive behavior, lies and abusive manipulations. In the narcissistic family open and respectful communication is never an option.

The authors of this book describe so many important aspects of this family dynamic. The case examples are an integral part of understanding how the family myth is enforced and how compliance is ensured. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has been made to feel selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful, or "emotionally unstable" in their family. These should be red flags to you that there is something wrong with the "perfect" picture. Another great book that I would like to recommend is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward - which explains in detail the tools that the narcissistic family members use to manipulate and control.

I want to thank the authors from the bottom of my heart for helping me understand my family and ultimately myself better. I'm struggling with losing the myth (it was beautiful). But I'm grateful that at least I had enough foresight to marry a normal, kind, loving man who is also the best father I know.

My only criticism of the book is that I wish there was more specific advice about how to deal with common interactions during holidays or birthdays (if one chooses to maintain some minimal contact). Now that we know what the problem is, what can we do about it?

Thank you again for this wonderful book!

Well Done-Let the healing begin
Thank goodness I found a wonderful therapist who told me that my family was narcissistic. Then I found this book on amazon (it wasn't what my therapist recommended though). I needed a book that was not autobiographical, I needed to hear many stories of others lives with covert and overt male and female narcissistic abuse, in order to unlock myself from my disbelief. Finished it last night, still crying this morning, but I know things are going to be uphill for me from here. This book was written by therapists for therapists but I got so much out of it, I would recommend this highly for any adults recovering from "N" abuse who have had at least some therapy. As a victim I found that some of the techniques and methods described for recovery very helpful. (The Lavender Saphire is one of them) There are so many very specific things included in the Pressmans book that really touched home for me, opening doors and fitting puzzles together that had been unsoved for a lifetime. My book is filled with my highlights and dogears,well worth many times its listed price.

The Book to Start With
Read It! If you come from an emotionally dysfunctional family of any degree, this is the book to read. You will gain insights into why you carry feelings of worthlessness, why intimacy alludes you, why you feel driven . . . You will be given alternative ways to view yourself, to communicate with others, and to experience life. By the end of the book you will have the framework to realize the unique treasure that you truly are.

The book is written (and priced) for professionals, but is very readable and user friendly. I wish I had come across it sooner. It would have saved me agonizing hours spent trying to pigeonhole my family's particular dysfunction(s). the Narcissistic family is the one with the parental system that for what ever reason - job streee, alcoholism, mental illness, sel-centered immaturity - centers around meeting the needs of the adults. It is the family that to some degree or another most of us grew up in. By reading Pressman's book and following the exercises, you can begin to fill the holes whether great or small in your own childhoood experience and begin to enjoy a fulfilling adult life.