Product Description

Sweet ass! A 200ish-page book about pot and pot-related stuff. Can you believe somebody paid these guys to publish a whole book about The Chronic? Man, that is so sick! The Marijuana-Logues started as an Off-Broadway show, consisting of these three guys, Arj Barker, Doug Benson, and Tony Camin sitting on stools and elucidating and illustrating the wisdom of weed. Since you probably never got motivated enough to actually go see the show, now is your chance to enjoy such gems as, “Some people say marijuana is a crutch—yeah, crutches help people walk. We think that’s a good thing.” In this sturdy volume (not made from hemp paper, so don’t try to smoke it), you’ll find many highly creative essays on the virtues of that fine fine plant, as well as some herben poetry, “high-ku,” marijuana fun facts, marijuana fun snacks, and other up-here stuff [point to your head].

Some choice buds from The Marijuana-Logues:

ARJ BARKER’S FIRST TIME
The first time I smoked pot, I was in the back seat of my older brother’s car. It must have been some pretty good weed, too, because I’m an only child.

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR DOUG BENSON SAY WHEN HE IS OFFERED SOME MARIJUANA
No.

FEMALE COMPOTABILITY by Tony Camin
My girlfriend thinks that I smoke too much pot. I, on the other hand, don’t think I smoke enough pot, because if I did, I’d be finished. And I’m not. Look, we all have our vices: I like to smoke a little weed; she likes to feed the baby. Different strokes for different folks.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #369808 in Books
• Published on: 2005-12-13
• Released on: 2005-12-13
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 144 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780307236630
• Condition: NEW
• Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
• Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

About the Author
Arj Barker (Late Show with David Letterman), Doug Benson (Best Week Ever), and Tony Camin (Late Night with Conan O’Brien) are international comedians (they went to Australia once) and have made many appearances on late-night television, some of which they can actually recall.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
POT VS. VAGINAS

Recently, we met a woman. Great story if it ends there.

The woman was starring in a production of The Vagina Monologues. Arj started telling her about The Marijuana-Logues, and she got noticeably uncomfortable. What's the big deal? Lighten up 'gina loggers. We're not making fun of vaginas, we love vaginas! Especially vaginas that smoke marijuana. Which we saw once in a foreign country. It cost us six dollars and a chicken. And a lifetime of regret. But the point is, it's not like we're saying pot instead of vaginas. In a perfect world, one could have both. Every day. And twice on Saturday. Or at least have one and be really near the other, but not too near. Y'know, you don't want to start a . . . bush fire.

But which one would win in a battle between pot and vaginas?

Well . . .

Pot is illegal in a lot of countries, and vaginas are illegal in only a few.

One you pack in your pipe, the other you pack with your pipe.

Both are fun to have around on a rainy day.

Both can be hairy and fragrant, to varying degrees.

Both can be overpriced if you don't have the right connections.

You can put pot in a vagina, but you can't put a vagina in pot, unless you are VERY well connected. With both, it's important to trim them properly.

Vaginas are best when they are moist. Pot is best when it's dry.

With both pot and vaginas, there's usually an asshole nearby.

Both are OK when they are sticky.

You can have sex with vaginas. You can try having sex with pot, if you get your hands on a lot of it.

Both will end up costing you a lot of money.

The bottom line is, if you are lucky enough to have either or both, don't compare 'em—share 'em!



NAME IT AND FLAME IT

Most people have nicknames for their friends. Marijuana has a lot of friends; but she herself is a mistress who goes by many names. Marijuana is also known as . . .

Pot

Weed

Trees

Ganja

KGB

The Cruc

Hash's cousin Mary

Bud

Puff

Green

Tea

Hemp

Grass

Sweet Leaf

El Diablo De Verde

Jazz plants

Dry Cocktail

Wacky Tobaccy

Sparkomatic

Wiggitty

Lando Calrissian

Doprah Winfrey

Dr. Phil My Pipe Up

Mr. T-HC

Gary

Sticky Icky Icky

Lung Candy

Jean Claude van Amsterdam

Your High-ness

Harry Potter

The Quicker Fucker Upper

Henry the Eighth

Reefer Sutherland

Cal Ripkin

Joe Dirt

Rip Van Stinkle

Cheeba McEntire

Skunkie Brewster

Wheelchair*

Parking Ticket**

Underwear***

Camper****

Dank

The reason you don't own a house

Mother Nature's way of saying high

Our only real friend


*Oftentimes pot is named after the effect it has on someone. For instance, wheelchair weed is called that because you can't walk after you smoke it.

**This is week that is so crucial you'd rather risk leaving your car in a street cleaning zone than drive the three blocks to your house.

***Gets you so high you shit yourself. Bad choice on a first date.

****Smoke this and you will almost certainly end up locking yourself out of your house and sleeping in the yard. If you're already in your house when you smoke it, stay there!



THE MARIJUANA SMOKER'S CODE OF ETIQUETTE

We Marijuana-loggers feel that marijuana smokers have a bad reputation. They're usually thought of as lazy and dim-witted. Why, this couldn't be further from the tooth. There is actually a strict code of discipline that pot smokers must firmly adhere to. Here are the highlights from an actual webpage from an authority known as "Scooter 512" (or something like that—it could have been "Scooter 513" or "Bandit 300"—let's not get hung up on details, okay?)

RULE NUMBER ONE: If someone rolls a nice joint, it's good to give the person a compliment on their rolling skills. Something like, "That's some tight shit, buddy!"

RULE NUMBER 2: Always remember to thank the person who has gotten you high. Unless it was really killer weed, in which case it is perfectly acceptable to forget to say thank you.

RULE NUMBER C: Never make your smoke out to be better than it really is. This gets everybody's hopes up just to be let down. Don't go bragging about how you got The Chronic, and then whip out the Down Town Brown on everyone's ass! People hate that. Especially us.

RULE NUMBER 14: It is very impolite to hand someone an empty bowl without notifying that person of its potential emptyosity. A proper warning would be, "Here ya go . . . I think it might be cashed. Go ahead, give it a try, see what happens. We're all pulling for you. Good luck."

RULE NUMBER SEVEN: When rolling a joint, don't ever pack a seed. Instead, pack a lunch. It will come in very handy later. Make sure you pack enough to share.

RULE NUMBER 8: You have to allot at least seven and three-quarters minutes of fake interest in the person holding the weed. Say something nice about them or their stuff, like, "Cool pipe," or, "Wow, that's a neat lizard."

RULE NUMBER 9: I'm glad your cousin works in a movie theater and let you sit in the projection room once when you were visiting him in Phoenix last summer . . . but what you should really do is take a hit and pass the pipe already.

RULE NUMBER 10: If you're getting high with someone and they ask for a sip of your drink, you must give them some. Dry mouth is not fucking funny. In fact, if left untreated, it can lead to the dreaded cottonmouth. Which, without immediate hydration, can turn into full-blown O.M.A.M.*

*Old Man's Ass Mouth

RULE NUMBER NEXT ONE: It is not cool to criticize other people's weed in front of them. Example, "Hey, no thanks. I'd rather smoke horse puke than your low-quality shit weed. Thanks for offering, though." Don't do that. It hurts.

RULE NUMBER YELLOW: Hey, don't push anyone to smoke pot with you. It's cool to offer weed to your new neighbor, but if they refuse, back off. In other words, don't do this: "Hey, Mr. Johnson, this is your new neighbor. You're about to smoke pot whether you want it or not. So get over here and suck on my bong!" Don't do that. It's pushers that make marijuana illegal. And politics. And laws. Mostly laws.

RULE NUMBER UNICORN: Pass the j clockwise, always clockwise. (That means the direction a clock goes.)

RULE NUMBER $%: Never Bogart. But if you supply the weed, you can Bacall us anytime!**

**If you didn't get that, ask an old person to explain it to you.

A RULE THAT RHYMES: When smoking a bowl with other smokers, remember this saying: Don't be mean, leave some green.

A RULE ABOUT ROACHES: Don't eat them. It doesn't get you high and it just makes you look like a hobo.

A RULE THAT IS SO OBVIOUS IT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A RULE BUT HERE IT IS: Don't get your spit all over the pipe, bong, or joint. Remember, your bodily fluids are disgusting, so please don't force them upon others.

RULE NUMBER 8,763: Dude, don't be a dick and spill the bong water. It smells like Cheech's ass.

RULE NUMBER 1.2 MILLION: Please do not, while getting stoned in a canoe, stand up. You may drown. Or worse, spill bong water into the lake.

RULE NUMBER CHIMP: The person who rolls the joint (no matter whose weed it is) gets to spark up the joint and gets first hits.

RULE NUMBER CIDER HOUSE: If you're getting high in your house with someone, offer them some munchies if you have any. If you don't, that's cool. I mean it's not cool that you don't have food, but it's cool if you don't offer. Cause you don't have any.

RULE NUMBER FINALLY: And perhaps the most important rule of them all—according to "Scooter 512"—if three guys write a somewhat padded but sincere book entirely about marijuana, maybe you should get them high if ever your paths should cross in a comedy club or a dirty back alley.



SIDE EFFECTS OF THE POT LIFESTYLE

An unexpected side effect of our research for this book was how it affected us. In here shit. You can't see it, but we're pointing at our hearts. Actually, just Arj is. Tony is smoking a bowl, and Doug is doing the typing. (Hi, Mom!)

Hey, man, we didn't always smoke pot. For years and years we were "high on life!" But eventually we built up a tolerance. Now that we've embraced the pot lifestyle the world seems full of naysayers who want to point fingers. Here's our response:

Some people think that we use marijuana to hide from our problems, but WHATEVER. It would take a pretty big clump of marijuana for us to actually be able to hide behind it. We don't have that kind of money. (They didn't give us much for this book. But if they had, it sure would have been fun to build a pot fort.) Some people say that if you smoke pot for a long time, it'll affect your ability to reason with maturity. People who say that are poo poo ca ca pee pee faces. Other yoga freaks say, "The body's a temple, the body's a temple." That might be true, but as we're not religious, we prefer to lease our temple to demons for private parties.

Many non-pot smokers, or NPSers if you will, are afraid of marijuana...

Customer Reviews

don't believe that guy's review...this book rules
okay, obviously the guy who wrote the other review HAS NEVER SMOKED WEED. this book is a great read for those who still partake, used to but don't (or most likely, can't), or have friends who do (and have seen them do some of this stuff described in the book). i HIGH-ly recommend it.

OH YEAH!!! MARIJUANA. . .
This book is so good,so true, and so funny! The Cannabis plant has been used for so many things since the beginning of human history, there should be no reason for it to not be legal. Cannabis has even been used as a very sustainable and effective construction material, is a more sustainable fiber for paper and clothes than any other plant, is a good souce of everything, even proteins and lipids (from its seeds), it could be used medicinally, and the most important, it is a sustainable crop. With all the environmental and social problems the world is suffering right now someone should put some thought on this plant.

It's funny because it's true
I have seen Doug Benson live, and have enjoyed the comedic stylings of Arj Barker for a few years. Unfortunately, I have heard less from the other author of this book, but his essays are some of the funniest. This book is thin, a quick, but enjoyable read. You will most definitely be nodding your head and saying "That is so true!" the whole time you are reading this. For a light, funny read, it's definitely worth checking out.