Product Description

Are you a Pinocchio Parent?

You may be asking yourself these very questions: What lies, clichés, and half-truths do I tell my children? How do these lies hurt my children and my relationship with them? Clinical psychologist and author Chuck Borsellino claims that our culture condones all sorts of lies -- from "tiny fibs" to calloused misrepresentations. Though well-intentioned in our unintentional lies, we set our children up for failure and disappointment and undercut our credibility.

In the pages of this book, Dr. Chuck Borsellino helps you sort out fact from fiction, intention from outcome. Most important, you'll learn a better way -- a way to help your children live life within the bounds of reality while fully exploring the dreams of their heart.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #257612 in Books
• Published on: 2006-08-08
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Hardcover
• 288 pages

Review
"What you say to your children will greatly influence the way they view themselves and their world. In Pinocchio Parenting, Chuck Borsellino may help you discover that you are telling your children more lies than you realize -- and some of them may be whoppers!"Gary D. Chapman, PhD -- Best-Selling Author, The Five Love Languages

"This book is more than just another how-to-parent-your-children-the-right-way sort of book. It's wisdom, experience, and common sense all rolled into one."Nicholas Sparks -- Best-Selling Author, A Walk to Remember and The Notebook; Father of Five

"While reading Pinocchio Parenting, I felt my own nose growing as I tried to convince myself I'd never told my kids a fib...ha! Chuck's witty approach and wise advice make this book a joy to read, while offering the vital tools parents need to help their kids face the Real World by consistently speaking the truth in love."Liz Curtis Higgs -- Best-Selling Author, Bad Girls of the Bible

"Chuck Borsellino has written the book that every pastor and parent needs. I have thousands of books in my library, but none of them deal with these issues. This one is a home run!"Pastor Ted Haggard -- President of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE)

"Chuck has an uncanny ability to make abstract concepts practical and concrete. This book rips through the false perceptions that destroy lives and preserves the truth that can transform our kids!"Stephen Arterburn -- Best-Selling Author, Every Man's Series and Healing Is a Choice

"Once I picked up Pinocchio Parenting, I couldn't put it down. Instead of piling on heaps of guilt, Pinocchio Parenting offers practical help for communicating life's most important truths to our kids."Dr. Robert Jeffress -- Pastor; Best-Selling Author, Hell? Yes!

About the Author

DR. CHUCK BORSELLINO PH.D., PSY.D

While Dr. Borsellino has accomplished much throughout his professional career as a psychologist, author and television host, his most prized accomplishment to date . . . is that of husband and father.

Dr. Borsellino has two doctoral degrees, a Ph.D. from the University of North Texas and a Psy.D. degree from Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. In addition to being a licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Borsellino is an ordained minister and serves as founder and President of OpenHouse Family Ministries.

As a graduate student Dr. Borsellino was inducted into Phi Delta Kappa and has subsequently been recognized in Personalities of America, 2000 Notable American Men and 500 Leaders of Influence. In addition, he has been recognized and honored by Who's Who in America, Who's Who of Emerging Leaders in America, International Who's Who of Intellectuals and Who's Who in the World. Dr. Borsellino is a member of' the American and Canadian Psychological Associations, the National Academy of Neuropsychology, the American Board of Medical Psychotherapists and the American and Canadian Associations for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Traveling extensively throughout the United States and Canada, Dr. Borsellino has spoken to more than one million people in seminars and workshops and is currently host and Executive Producer of FamilyNet's flagship program and nationally syndicated daily television program At Home Live with Chuck & Jenni.

The program, which is dedicated to preserve, strengthen and enrich family life, was honored in 2001 as a finalist for the "Program of The Year" at the National Religious Broadcasters Convention and is a finalist again this year for "Program of the Year" honors. During the past 5 years, the program has received numerous Telly Awards for Outstanding Television Performance.

In addition, the Borsellino's are authors of How to Raise Totally Awesome Kids (Multnomah) and have been featured in Marriage Partnership and Christian Parenting Today magazines. Furthermore, they have been appeared Life Today with James Robison, TBN's Praise the Lord, CTN's Herman & Sharon Show, TLN's Jerry Rose Show, DayStar's Celebration, 100 Huntley Street and Janet Parshall's America.

Previously, Dr. Borsellino served as Vice-President of Ministry with Crossroads Christian Communications and co-hosted their flagship program 100 Huntley Street. While there, Dr. Borsellino was also the Clinical Director of The Family Centre, a Christian mental health clinic staffed by physicians, psychologists and marriage and family therapists.

Borsellino resides in Dallas, TX area with his wife, Jenni of 27 years and three children (Brittany, Cody and Courtney). Oh yea, a canine named Bentley runs the place.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction

The Truth about the Lies We Tell

SMART PEOPLE BELIEVE HALF OF WHAT THEY HEAR.

REALLY SMART PEOPLE KNOW WHICH HALF TO BELIEVE.

The truth is, everybody lies. Deny it, and you're probably lying. Small lies are called "fibs." Big ones are called "whoppers." Necessary ones are called "white." For politicians, lying has been perfected to an art form. For parents, it's more of a necessity:

"Your mommy and I were just wrestling . . ."

"Your fish went to live with their friends in the ocean."

"If you keep making that face, it's going to stay that way."

"Tell me the truth, and I promise I won't get mad. YOU BROKE WHAT?"

We live in a culture where lying is commonplace -- just as fish live in a culture where wet is the norm. According to the book The Day America Told the Truth, 91 percent of Americans surveyed admitted to lying routinely: 86 percent lie to parents, 75 percent lie to friends, 73 percent lie to siblings, and 69 percent lie to spouses ("Oh this old thing -- I've had it for ages.") On average we lie about twice a day. That's more often than most people brush their teeth.

We've become a nation of what I call "Pinocchio people." When our backs are against the wall, the lies seem to slide off the tips of our tongues -- and our noses grow a little bit longer:

• Money lies: "The check is in the mail."

• Math lies: "I just turned thirty-nine."

• Medical lies: "The doctor will call you right back."

• Work lies: "I can't come in to work today. I think I have diphtheria."

• Social lies: "It's delicious, but I just can't eat another bite."

• Advertising lies: "Melt away ten pounds in just ten minutes!"

• Dating lies: "I had a great time. I'll call you tomorrow."

• And necessary lies: "Fat? No, honey, you look great in that dress."

To lie has become as American as apple pie. We lie to protect ourselves; we lie to promote ourselves. We lie when it's convenient; we lie when we're caught.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, each year more than 10 million taxpayers lie to the IRS, 6.6 million job applicants lie on their resumes, 300,000 doctors lie to health insurance providers, and 490,000 lawyers in America admit that they distort the truth in order to aid their clients and win their cases. (By the way, how do you know when a lawyer is lying? Some people say it's when their lips are moving.)

One Sunday a minister concluded his sermon by saying, "Next Sunday I'm going to be speaking on the ninth Commandment: "Thou shalt not lie." In preparation for the lesson, I want each member of the congregation to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday the minister said, "Last Sunday I asked each of you to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark in preparation for this morning's service. If you read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hand." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then the minister said, "Those of you who didn't raise your hands can go home. Those who did raise your hands are the ones I want to talk to this morning. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

Dr. Bella DePaulo, a psychologist at the University of Virginia, concluded that some relationships are virtual magnets for deception. The worst? Parent-teenager relationships. "College students lie to their mothers in one out of two conversations," DePaulo discovered. As a father of a college student, I find that revelation rather eye opening.

The proverbial ball, however, isn't only in the teenage court. Unfortunately, most of us parents have taken the "license to lie" to our children to new levels. Not intentionally, mind you; but unintentional distortions have the same consequences -- damage that's done to us, as well as to our kids. Damage that ruins our credibility and warps their reality.

We've become "Pinocchio parents" -- and our parental noses just keep getting longer:

• "It's not your fault."

• "God helps those who help themselves."

• "Honey, you can be anything you want to be."

• "When I was your age, I walked to school in the snow . . . without shoes . . . uphill both ways!"

Really?

Living by the Lie

According to psychologist Dr. Chris Thurman, most of us are "living by the lie." In his book The Lies We Believe, Thurman makes the case that we become what we believe. He concludes that while circumstances affect our lives, it is our beliefs about those circumstances that give birth to our behaviors. Steve Chandler, author of Seventeen Lies That Are Holding You Back and the Truth That Will Set You Free, agrees. Our beliefs, not our feelings, are what determine our behaviors, he says. In the same manner our feelings are no more the cause of our problems than the red spots on our faces are the cause of our measles. Feelings are not the source of problems; they are the result.

So if beliefs determine behavior, where do our beliefs come from? Well, in most cases they are suggested by good ol' Mom and Dad. That's right -- well-intentioned parents that innocently tell tales to their kids. Parents like you and me.

Of course, our purposes are noble. In most cases they are designed to:

• Make sense of our circumstances ("It's not whether you win or lose -- it's how you play the game.")

• Bring assurance to our anxieties ("It's not your fault.")

• Inspire our kids to live beyond their limits ("You can be anything you want to be.")

Unfortunately, the little lies, fibs, and clichés we tell our kids today become the beliefs that shape their behaviors tomorrow. Want a few examples? Although the names are changed, each of the following stories is true.

Darrin is a typical seventeen-year-old, five-foot-eleven teenager who would rather play basketball than crack open his chemistry book. He barely passed the eleventh grade. It doesn't matter though; Darrin is counting on playing basketball in the NBA . . . for the Detroit Pistons. Well-intentioned parents wanting to motivate Darrin told him to "dream big," because one day all his dreams would come true.

His belief: "If I dream it, I can do it."

Melody is a seven-year-old girl who is confused about God. Since she can remember, her parents told her there is a God in heaven. She's not so sure anymore. Since she can remember, her parents also told her there's a Santa Claus at the North Pole. But recently, when Melody shared with her friends at school what she wanted from Santa for Christmas, they laughed at her.

Her belief: "I can't tell when Mommy and Daddy are telling the truth -- or when they're telling a tale."

Jessica is a bright but insecure eighteen-year-old high-school senior who has worked hard to maintain her A average. Unfortunately, socializing has never come easily for her. Her parents were so pleased with her success in school that they promised her they would give her whatever she wanted for graduation. When she said, "I want breast implants," they said, "OK."

Her belief, reinforced by her parents' quick acceptance of her request:

"My social status will increase with my chest size."

Twenty-two-year-old Eric sits on the sidelines of life waiting for his big break. He was voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school but completed only two years of college before dropping out. He has failed to keep a permanent job ever since. Today he spends most of his time sleeping and waiting for success to come knocking -- when he wins the lottery. After all, his parents always told him he had "unlimited potential" and that someday he was going to "make it big."

His belief: "It's easier to live on my potential than to pursue a goal and fail."

Conner has his marital back against the wall. He's been married for four years. While he loves Lisa very much, he never buys her a birthday gift or anniversary card. He always has an excuse -- just like his father did. Conner's mother was an enabler who used to pardon his dad's practice with the cliché, "That's OK. It's the thought that counts." Conner's wife isn't so . . . understanding.

His belief:

"Like father, like son -- that's the way I was raised.

My mother was OK with it.

Lisa just needs to be more understanding."

I've been a therapist now for over twenty-five years, first as a marriage and family therapist, then as a clinical psychologist. Over the years I've seen each of these situations in therapy. My conclusion: behind each unhealthy behavior is an unhealthy belief, whether conscious or not.

Beliefs determine behavior. That means that the key to changing behavior is to change beliefs -- to exchange unhealthy or unrealistic beliefs for healthy, realistic ones. It's really quite simple: change unhealthy beliefs, and you'll change unhealthy behavior.

In each of the previous examples, these kids were good kids -- but also misdirected kids. They had good parents, but misguided parents. As a psychologist, I've sat with many troubled teens and puzzled parents, and I can tell you this: Most parents aren't mean -- but many are misled. Most kids aren't mindless -- but many are misinformed.

Generally speaking, parents are well intentioned. We do our best to create a family environment that will protect our kids when they're young and prepare them for when they're older. We do what we can to provide them with a healthy diet of motivation, encouragement, and support. But sometimes we end up feeding them "ideas" that are helpful in the short run but harmful for their future -- motivational snacks that soothe the spirit but spoil the main meal; snacks that not only contaminate their beliefs but discredit the cook.

True Lies

In most cases we're simply repeating the clichés we heard from our own parents when we were growing up. ...

Customer Reviews

Pinocchio Parenting
Pinocchio Parenting is a wonderful book. The author provides simple, valuable insights and ideas that are easy to apply to real life. The 21 lies that the author points out that we often tell are kids are thought provoking, to say the least. I found that some were "lies" that I actually believed myself. While I didn't agree that all were actually "lies", Borsellino certainly gave me food for thought.

Learning to recognize and teach your kids the truth will be a valuable experience for the entire family. I highly recommend this book to anyone that deals with kids in anyway. It is a wonderful guide.

A wonderful parenting book
Pinocchio Parenting is a truly exceptional book. The author has done extensive studies and provides simple, valuable insights and ideas that you can immediately apply. The 21 lies are profound and simply working on them with your kids will be an awesome experience/exercise. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has kids, teaches kids, or interacts with kids in any way. It is a wonderful playbook!

Read it...a.s.a.p.!
I am a school administrator and teacher. One of my teachers shared a couple of pages of the book with me, and I immediately decided to buy my own copy. After reading it, I recommended it to all of my teachers. I will include concepts from Dr. Borsellino in my classes, including reading some of the stories to my students.