Product Details
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
By Chelsea Handler

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Product Description

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Product Details

  • Amazon Sales Rank: #354 in Books
  • Published on: 2005-06-06
  • Released on: 2005-05-12
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Binding: Paperback
  • 213 pages

Features

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
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Review
"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review )

"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is.she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post )

In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they''re also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt." (Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her )

"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer." (Jay Leno )

"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious." (Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes )

"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris." (Dallas Observer )

"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off." (About.com )

About the Author

Chelsea Handler was born in Livingston, New Jersey, and has toured the country doing stand-up. Now settled in Los Angeles, she can be seen at the Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory, and as one of the stars on Oxygen's Girls Behaving Badly. Chelsea has guest-starred on programs such as Spy TV, My Wife and Kids, The Bernie Mac Show, and The Practice. Her stand-up will soon be televised on VH1's Love Lounge, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, and HBO's broadcast of the Aspen Comedy Festival.

Customer Reviews

Girl's Night4

Last month, several of my girlfriends and I decided to spend the evening drinking lots of wine and reading aloud tales from the two Chelseas - Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands and Chelsea Goldstein's Hook-up Chronicles Hook-Up Chronicles. As the liquor flowed, we began to share our own stories of one-night stands, hilarious (and horrifying) hook-ups, and real-life erotic adventures. We laughed and laughed, and at the same time we got so hot...very hot. One thing led to another, and by the end of the night we had lived out several NEW fantasies. Hey, Handler, why don't you join us at our next girls' night? You bring the vodka; we'll bring the party! And we'll definitely be sending our stories in to Goldstein for the NEXT volume of Hook-up Chronicles.

A Hollow Life2
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.

I was looking for some very light reading...but this was terrible1
I read a lot of different types of books for graduate school and research. As such, I was looking for a "break" and knew this would be light reading. However, I have to say this book was rather revolting. I guess the words that come to mind: sad, pathetic,lonely...

What I thought was going to be humorous and maybe occasionally edgy turned out to be incredibly offensive and disgusting. I found myself incredibly grateful for my sobriety after reading this book. If it did anything, it served as a reminder of how life can be really meaningless and lonely to some. What was meant to be funny was so, so sad in reflection.