Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #1156896 in Books
• Published on: 2001-02-15
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 221 pages

From the Publisher
In the face of near-universal disapproval, between one quarter and one half of all married Americans (including 15-30% of married women) will, at some point, engage in an extramarital affair. They will have either an enriching experience or the sad, destructive, ugly mess for which affairs are far better known. There is one self-help book that every one of these millions of people wants and needs to read. It has never been written. Until now.

Affair! is for them: a thoughtful, detailed discussion of every aspect of considering, preparing for, beginning and conducting a successful and emotionally fulfilling extramarital affair, including advice, case histories, numerous first-person narratives, humorous anecdotes and step-by-step guidance for every facet of the process. Contrary to what the media like to portray, many of the major pitfalls are avoidable and an extramarital relationship can bring a person greater happiness and personal growth if properly managed. Affair! shows how.

Excerpted from Affair! How to Manage Every Aspect of Your Extramarital Relationship with Passion, Discretion and Dignity by H. Cameron Barnes, H. Cameron Barnes. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved
Introduction: You Are Not Alone.

I don't need to tell you that extramarital sex is pretty much universally condemned. I fully expect that the mere publication of this book will be considered by many to be morally reprehensible. No one in their right mind tries to seek public approval by telling people that they are contemplating, are in, or have had a clandestine extramarital affair. Extramarital affairs can be physically dangerous, financially ruinous and emotionally disastrous.

Yet in the face of this, even according to a 1994 survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, considered to be the most conservative results ever obtained, 21.2% of men and 11.3% of women admitted to having crossed the line. Marriage and family therapists consulted in the preparation of this book believe, without exception, that the actual numbers are far higher. They generally concur with the results of the Kinsey Report which found far higher infidelity rates: 50-60% of middle and upper income males below the age of 60 admitted to having had an extramarital affair; the rate for women in the same group was 40-50%. Other studies provide statistics falling somewhere between these two sets of data. But no matter which numbers you accept as being the most accurate, we are talking in the tens of millions of people here. And extramarital affairs have always been with us in significant numbers.

Such being the case, it is hard to accept that such a large part of our population are moral monsters. We all know of good friends, decent people, who suddenly separate and are soon seen in the company of someone whom we can obviously tell they did not just meet last week. Assuming that they haven't used their affair as a tool to publicly humiliate their spouse (a truly creepy act), our friends remain our friends.

When it comes to the Rich and Famous, we have a real double standard. We participate vicariously in the peccadilloes of movie stars via tabloid newspapers and television shows. Elizabeth Taylor's notorious affair with Richard Burton while she was married to Eddie Fisher didn't hurt her appeal at the box office or her ability to market fragrances in later life. Without extramarital sex, most novelists and truckloads of screenwriters would be out of business and there would be no soap operas, period.

But when it comes to dealing with our own selves and our struggles with our own desires and needs, the seers of the Legitimate World turn their backs to us. The psychology sections of book stores are filled with titles that deal with how to save, revive, reinvigorate, maintain the romance and passion in and otherwise strengthen marriage. A very large subset of these discusses how to prevent affairs from happening or repair a marriage after their revelation. (If you want to become an armchair therapist and expert on the subject, I've included an Appendix which contains an extensive but not exhaustive list. We'll have more than a few things to say about them later). Right along side of those books, albeit substantially fewer in number, are others on how to have a successful, prosperous, healing, liberating, ennobling and happiness-producing divorce. It is a rare book indeed that deals with an extramarital affair as anything other than a dangerous animal to be hunted down and destroyed as a threat to the institution of marriage, a failure of character, or a bad way of acting out some difficulty that could be better handled by therapy or litigation (which most of these authors, incidentally, dispense for a living).

No one is going to say publicly that they make money off of the more generous and festive aspects of other people's extramarital affairs. Yet they do and we respect and patronize these most glamorous of names: Cartier, Tiffany, Chanel, Dom Perignon, etc. Contrary to the images that jewelers, perfumers and furriers like to project about being there so that you can give your spouse a special anniversary gift, most would go bankrupt if the entire population became suddenly faithful.

What's going on? Why is there such a large gap between what we say and what we do? Why are such great risks being taken? Although it would be a little precious to say that there is a unique reason for each person, it would also be in error to claim that, at bottom, it is purely psychopathology. Extramarital affairs are not aberrations; they are part and parcel of our evolutionary biology, the development of our civilization and the most noble and beautiful creations of human thought.

Extramarital affairs may often fulfill real emotional needs; needs that are universal and of such strength and durability as to make millions of married people willing to put their reputations, relationships and personal fortunes at risk. When properly managed, an extramarital affair can be one of the keys that unlocks the door to personal discovery, spiritual enrichment and a happier and more fulfilling life. Handled improperly, it can be the destructive, ugly disaster for which it is far better known. The path you follow is up to you.

Customer Reviews

This is actually a book?
You are kidding me!!!!! I can not believe that there is actually a book written for those who want to cheat and destroy a family. This is sick. If you are even considering something like this maybe perhaps try one of the few: counceling, divorce, or growing up! Ha...Hanging in there for your children...give me a break. If this is your idea of a "favor" to them then I would hate to hear about your mistakes. Maybe you guys should try looing outside of yourselves for once in your lifetime.

Extremely helpful
This is an extremely helpful book. I wish I had known this information some time back. I could have avoided a considerable amount of emotional pain by not selecting the "wrong" type of person with which to have a clandestine relationship. Now I have been in a loving affair with a wonderful man for two years. So far we have been able to keep this private. I know I will have a better chance at keeping this relationship going with the information I have read in the book. I would highly recommend this book!

Finally, an honest view of affairs
I loved this book! It contains the most open and honest assessment of extra marital affairs I have ever seen in a book. It reveals a fact about which our culture has been in denial: affairs are common and need not mean the end of an otherwise good and practical marriage. Ben Franklin once stated that "as long as there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." Many people will not like this book, as its ideas run counter to the prevailing cultural winds, but anyone with an open mind will appreciate it.