Product Description

DO YOU CONFUSE BEING NEEDED WITH BEING LOVED?

DO YOU RELATE TO OTHERS BY TAKING CARE OF THEM?

ARE THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU UNABLE TO STAND ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET?

Co-dependency--of which enabling is a major dynamic--can and does exist in families where there is no active chemical dependency. Author Angelyn Miller's own experience is a dramatic example: the ultimate "super-mom", neither Miller nor her husband drank. Yet in spite of her best efforts, she found her family disintegrating. The more she tried to help, the worse things got, until she discovered that "helping" was the problem.

Using her own family as an example, Miller tells how she came to the painful realization that she was an enabler. The enabler protects others from the consequences of their actions. By always taking responsibility for those around them, enablers hurt the very people they love the most.

Gradually, she learned to alter her behavior and broke the cycle of co-dependence. In this book she offers insights, techniques, and hope, showing how enabling relationships can be transformed into healthy ones.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #12491 in Books
• Published on: 2001-10-01
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 120 pages

Review
"This is a challenging book. . . . an outstanding testimonial to the benefits that are possible when you recognize that you are an enabler and are willing to take steps to change your behavior. Read it, share it with your family and friends, and put it to good use."

-- Jennifer P. Schneider, Author of Back from Betrayal

About the Author
Angelyn Miller is a retired professional educator with a bachelor of science degree in human development and family relations and a master of arts in counseling psychology. She and her husband currently live in Arizona.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

During the difficult years of my enabling, I knew that something was wrong. Life had not become what I had believed it would. As I watched my husband and children falter in life, one after another, I viewed the situation first with disbelief and then with panic.

When I married Stan in 1958, I wasn’t worried about the future of my relationship with him. I had a degree in human development and family relations from a major university. When I had children -- Tom, John, Nina, and Bud -- I wasn’t concerned about what would be required of me as a mother, because I was a credentialed elementary school teacher and knew about children. I should have been ready to be the ideal wife and mother. Indeed, I thought I would be. But my family life evolved through the years in a way for which nothing I had learned prepared me. I moved into a life that was so different from my plans and my imaginings that it took me many years to sort it all out.

The most positive thing I can say about myself during that period is that I did recognize that something was wrong. And, as was typical of our family, it was I who made an effort to understand and find help.

I tried everything. I went to counseling, enrolled in EST training, attended Gestalt workshops, joined encounter groups and women’s support groups, and took assertiveness training and courses in transactional analysis and neurolinguistic programming. I provided myself with an incredible amount of information about personal growth and family dynamics.

But however well armed with ideas I was, it took a series of tragic events to turn this theoretical knowledge into genuine understanding. This is the story of those events. I have written it in response to the frustration I felt at not readily finding an explanation for why our family was functioning poorly.

The myriad theories and techniques, which were often contradictory, only made the picture more obscure. I wanted to see us accurately, to understand what was happening to us. I wanted a coherent interpretation, a focused picture.

Because I thought I was so well trained to be a homemaker, and because I came from a generation of women whose principal goal in life was to produce successful families, I was stunned by the difficulties my family was experiencing. I attributed them mostly to my husband, and then to my children, as they grew older. It had never occurred to me that I could be a major contributor to our problems.

When a counselor finally pointed me toward Janet Geringer Woititz’s writings on co-dependence and adult children of alcoholics, I began to understand the dynamics of our family life and my role in it. The concept of “enabling” provided the insight I had been searching for. Later still, after I had worked through my own stages of understanding and devised a personal therapy, I came across the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the complementary steps of Al-Anon. In essence, my process had been similar to the one suggested in the Twelve Steps.

My father was an alcoholic, and I was determined to marry a man who would never abuse alcohol. So I married a man who was also raised in an alcoholic’s household and abhorred alcoholism. While my husband did not drink, he did suffer from recurring bouts of anxiety and depression.

After I married Stan, I thought his first episode of depression and anxiety was simply the result of transitory circumstances. I was sure that if I were cheerful enough, helpful enough, accommodating enough, I could make him feel happy and secure -- or I could alter the situation so that he would be happy. His periods of depression were episodic in the same fashion as my father’s periodic drinking. My pattern of co-dependency was identical to that of the wife of an alcoholic. When my father went on a binge, my mother scurried around making everything right. I did the same with Stan’s depression. I had moved into a relationship very similar to the classic enabler-alcoholic type.

When I finally recognized myself to be an enabling wife, I began to see that my enabling was not limited to my marriage; it permeated my other relationships as well. I was an enabler to other family members, friends, and especially to my children.

I also discovered that the problem of enabling is much more common than I had supposed, and is not limited to cases of substance abuse. There are a great number of people like myself whose principal way of relating to others is to assume their responsibilities.

Organizations like Al-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) have created excellent programs for co-dependents (enablers) of alcoholics and other substance abusers. Their programs, however, overlook the large number of co-dependents of non-alcoholics who could profit from their techniques. While these support organizations don’t particularly exclude other types of co-dependents, enablers do not ordinarily think to look their direction.

In my search for useful information that would allow me to understand the dynamics of my family, apart from materials on adult children of alcoholics, I found very little. There seemed a gap in the literature on enabler-dependent relationships of our sort. This book is meant to help fill that gap.

Customer Reviews

what a life changer
Well, I was in a reahb center when my thearapist offered for me to read this book. I put it off for a few weeks when finally I picked it up to be amazed. It is a book that will help all of those who know they are enablers, think they are enablers, or sometimes likes to help a friend out in need. It is an eye opener. I recomend this book to just about anyone, even those who use enablers for their advantage. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did!

A book that could change lives
I bought this book, The Enabler, for my mother-in-law because the title and description seem to fit her perfectly. However, as I read the book from cover-to-cover I quickly realized that there were some enabling "issues" that were in my life as well. This book is written in friendly, easy terms; it doesn't use language that is over the average person's head. Since the author, Angelyn Miller, wrote about her personal life, I felt that I could connect with her on a personal level, and I am hoping that my mother-in-law can do the same. If a person who is an enabler would truly take this book to heart, it could literally change that person's life - for the better. The book is very straight-forward, and it even has "worksheets" and exercises to help the reader become the person that he/she would like to be.

Must read for anyone with family problems
Although this book is very short, it is very helpful. I bought this book to understand other family members, and learned quite a bit. I've also passed the book on to others in the family.
I highly recommend anyone read this who is interested in understanding why family members, or even friends do the things they do.