Product Description

And every week, there was the unspoken question, the one I didn’t know enough to ask myself : Have you found her yet? The one who reminds you of you?

Twenty years after she lived at a homeless shelter for teens, Janice Erlbaum went back to volunteer. Now thirty-four years old and a successful writer, she’d changed her life for the better; now she wanted to help someone else–someone like the girl she’d once been.

Then she met Sam. A brilliant nineteen-year-old junkie savant, the product of a horrifically abusive home, Sam had been surviving alone on the streets since she was twelve and was now struggling for sobriety against the adverse health effects of long-term drug abuse.

Soon Janice found herself caring deeply for Sam, following her through detoxes and psych wards, halfway houses and hospitals, becoming ever more manically driven to save her from the sickness and sadness leftover from Sam’s terrible past. But just as Janice was on the verge of becoming the girl’s legal guardian, she made a shocking discovery: Sam was sicker than anyone knew, in ways nobody could have imagined.

Written with startling candor and immediacy, Have You Found Her is the story of one woman’s quest to save a girl’s life–and the hard truths she learns about herself along the way.

“A rich and compelling account . . . Ultimately this is a book about the narrator’s journey and the dangers that attend the urge within us all to believe we can save another soul. A terrific read.”
–Cammie McGovern, author of Eye Contact

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #318014 in Books
• Published on: 2008-02-12
• Released on: 2008-02-12
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 368 pages

Features

• ISBN13: 9780812974577
• Condition: NEW
• Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
• Click here to view our Condition Guide and Shipping Prices

From Publishers Weekly
In winter 2004, 34-year-old Erlbaum (Girlbomb) volunteered at the shelter where she herself had lived as a teenager. Dubbed The Bead Lady by the residents, she hefted a large, rattling bag of beadworking supplies to the cafeteria once a week, hoping to reach out to a younger version of herself over jewelry-making sessions—to believe in them and listen to them, as her volunteer-orientation videotape had instructed. When she met Samantha, a charismatic 19-year-old addict with an unyielding resilience in spite of a horrific childhood, Erlbaum knew she'd found a favorite. Though Sam had been on the streets since age 12, she was well read and quite gifted as a writer—a prodigy, it seemed. The two quickly developed a friendship, which deepened over the next several months as Erlbaum comforted Sam through health problems, abuse flashbacks and rehab, promising her a trip to Disney World if she stayed sober. Erlbaum was determined to save Sam and even offered to become her legal guardian. Erlbaum realized that, at times, details in Sam's backstory didn't add up (she was a skilled classical pianist), but these incongruities raised only the occasional, short-lived suspicion. Finally, Erlbaum realized Sam had been lying to her all along (she actually came from a sold middle-class suburb and hadn't had the childhood she described), snookering her out of her time, attention and affection for a year. Erlbaum's narrative begins promisingly, her savior fantasies and insecurities rendered with honesty and self-effacing good humor. However, her conclusions fall flat, missing opportunities to ponder larger issues at work in the story and opting instead for a mere cautionary tale. (Mar.)
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Review
"A rich and compelling account...Ultimately this is a book about the narrator's journey and the dangers that attend the urge within us all to believe we can save another soul. A terrific read."--Cammie McGovern, author of Eye Contact

About the Author
Janice Erlbaum is the author of Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir and Have You Found Her, which was named one of the New York Public Library's 25 Books to Remember. A former columnist for BUST magazine, she lives in New York City with her partner Bill Scurry. You can find her at www.girlbomb.com

Customer Reviews

A lesson in savior behavior
Erlbaum's book strikes a chord for anyone who has dealt with a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. And for anyone co-dependent with a BPD sufferer. I have could have been Janice in this story, believing everything my BPD loved one told me about her unfortunate life, "protecting" (enabling) her, letting her manipulate me with her neediness and my desire to "save" her from the ugliness of her life. I know Erlbaum's book rings true because I lived it for 40 years before I finally figured out I was being played by a skillful liar and manipulater. Even though I knew where the story was going, I still hoped it would end differently, with a positive resolution in which everyone lives happily ever after. Guess I'm still pretty suseptible to the BPD way of life, huh?

If you have a loved one with BPD or you find yourself being someone's savior, read this book and know you are not alone. There are lots of us out there. We should start a club or something.

Amazing Story!
In "Have You Found Her," Janice Erlbaum returns as a volunteer to the shelter that housed her as a teenager (written about in "Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir"), where she meets intelligent, drug-addicted Samantha. The two begin a mentoring relationship that takes a dramatic turn when Sam reveals that she's HIV-positive. Erlbaum brings all the anger, confusion, and heartbreak of this relationship to the page, making this a compelling, fast-paced, and gut-wrenching memoir. Not only did I not want to put it down, but I want all my friends to read it so we can talk about it.

Seeing pieces of myself...
I read Janice Erlbaum's book as a strategy for personal growth as I try to move away from codependency and enabling behavior. The book was at times painful to read. As Janice rode an emotional rollar coaster in response to Sam's crises, I saw myself, reacting to the needs of those I try "to help." I felt like a fly on the wall watching Janice chase after, coddle and sympathize with Sam. I almost felt embarrassed as Janice's possessiveness surfaced when she told Bill that Sam loved Maria more than she loved her. I have experienced that jealousy before. Although Erlbaum's book is written with brutal honesty, I was surprised she didn't acknowledge more of her own problems as she must have realized they existed through her relationship with Sam. Also, I was surprised that Bill supported Janice as she invested so much time and energy in Sam. Janice felt such anger for Sam, feeling that she had been duped. I was disappointed that Janice felt so resentful about Sam's mental illness, when she knew all along that she had problems. It seems that Janice had a hard time switching roles from "hero" to "sucker." Those who study the enneagram will see an average to unheathy "2" personality in Janice. This book helped me confront some of my own issues and grow.